Newcastle University students still at home glad they don’t have to go back

Scores of students who intended to only return for a couple of weeks during the holidays have found themselves stuck at home for the last four months due to the government’s anti-COVID travel ban.

While restrictions have been relaxed, universities across the country have urged their students to not return to their accommodation for the foreseeable future.

However, a recent report from the Institute of Studies has found that many – Newcastle students in particular – don’t seem to mind and, in fact, are quite happy about the circumstances.

“I mean, my food and shopping’s practically all sorted for me at home and some people aren’t even having to pay rent,” said student Matthew West, 20, who wishes to remain anonymous.

“Nobody’s even had in-person teaching for months,” West, who lives in Castle Leazes, continued. “I wonder why we’d be asked to stay in student accommodation if the plan was for everything to be online anyway?”

Another student, Derek Hammond, 21, insisted to Lampoon reporters that the COVID-19 pandemic “is all an elaborate hoax”

NUSU shuts down Anime Society in attempt to make Newcastle look cool

After several years of quarantining Newcastle uni’s weirdest and most socially awkward students (except for Lampoon writers and mech eng students) away from other societies, the Anime Society has finally been forced to close down. This comes as no surprise, as there has long been debate over whether or not we really need a society dedicated to not showering and cartoons about shouty children with stupid hair.

Our reporter initially led the Lampoon to believe that this may have been due to people who would not shut up about anime porn on a group chat that the SU can access at any time, or possibly groups of more than 6 people naruto running down Armstrong bridge. However, thanks to the network of cold war listening devices the Lampoon has hidden in the NUSU offices we have since discovered the true reason.

Quarantine and Brexit-related vodka shortages have led the 2020/2021 academic year to have the lowest number of initiation rituals, blood orgies and jenkem parties on record since the founding of Newcastle university, and the SU is turning to more drastic measures to maintain their delusion that Newcastle is a cool party university.

An unnamed NUSU officer unaware we were listening to see if she mentioned her credit card details was quoted saying: “For fuck’s sake, we haven’t had anyone die of alcohol poisoning in over 4 years, if we don’t do something to save our image soon there’ll be more people signing up to snort gunpowder off suspiciously brown toilet seats at Sunderland than here.”

The remaining money allocated to Anime Society has since been reallocated towards paying an artist friend of the NUSU execs to draw a single stick figure on the side of the Old Library Building.

Metro Kieran opens up about looming trial

Metro Kieran, current Community Students Officer of Newcastle University Students’ Union, is currently awaiting a trial by NUSU’s Student Council for unspecified reasons. Since Metro Kieran is a former neighbour of mine and there is a possibility he might wield extreme political power in the future, the Lampoon decided I should talk to him – just in case he decides to award us a shipbuilding contract or something in the future.

This interview was transcribed verbatim. The source video is not legal to publish for reasons my therapist would rather I do not disclose.

What sort of trial is this that you are going to be the defendent in?

Metro Kieran: “This is an impeachment trial and a censorship of Metro Kieran, as he carries out the will of the very fine student people of Newcastle University. Very bad forces in Big Council are forming to try and prevent him pushing through the reforms the People want and usurp his authority.”

“Metro Kieran started his political career as a simple man who wanted to improve the lives of those around him, bringing together both the yellow and green lines of the Metro but has run afoul of those who oppose him. Big Council has their own dark agenda to destroy the hopes and dreams of students and to suppress the freedom of students. This is a massive witch hunt; they’re trying to divert attention away from themselves. What are they hiding? What have the done? Are they hiding the fact they have done nothing? Students need to rise up and fight this, on every level before they lose the greatest PTO they ever had.”

(At this point, Metro Kieran showed me his chest tattoo: ‘Please Turn Officer’ in Gothic script.) [note: would this be funnier if it said “please turn over”?]

Why are you being impeached?.

Metro Kieran: “Jealousy, plain and simple. Metro Kieran is loved by all at Newcastle University, nobody loves Big Council. Never has a PTO been loved as much as Metro Kieran. It is a shameless, unconstitutional power grab from an illegitimate agency. NUSU has failed Metro Kieran but he will not fail you; do not fear.”

What are the consequences of being found guilty?

Metro Kieran: “To Metro Kieran’s knowledge, there are no consequences of being found guilty. This is irrelevant anyway because Metro Kieran is 100% innocent. Besides, it’s not like anyone knows what happens at Big Council and therefore Metro Kieran has not bothered to find out either, he is truly a man of the people. The other reason is that, despite being a shady deep-state organisation, Big Council have no real power and they are cannot achieve anything anyway.”

Do you have any plans in the work for your (presumably inevitable) staying in office?

Metro Kieran: “Metro Kieran’s retaliation will be sharp and swift, without mercy and without hesitation. It’s important that people realise this and pick the winning side in the upcoming struggle before it is too late. After all, we all know that I’ll [REDACTED] anyone who aligns themselves with Big Council as well as [DATA EXPUNGED] to their loved ones.”

How are you feeling about your re-election campaign? Will the trial hurt your chances of holding on to your seat?

Metro Kieran: “Metro Kieran only has one opponent in the upcoming election. Since everyone loves Metro Kieran (or doesn’t care enough to run against him), Metro Kieran will only have to face every candidates mortal enemy: Ron. However Metro Kieran is a sporting man and thus will run a ‘Vote for Ron’ campaign concurrently with his re-election campaign in the interests of scaring Big Council with his commitment to democracy.”

“Metro Kieran can confidently state that his election was won fairly, he will not say this for the other elected officials. Are people looking into this? No. Should they? Maybe. Metro Kieran doesn’t get to decide but he knows what he would do if he did.”

Tits or ass?

Metro Kieran: “For legal reasons, Metro Kieran rejects the notion of calling anyone on Big Council a tit or an ass.”

Worst night out in Newcastle?

Metro Kieran: “Unfortunately every night out is a bad night where it’s illegal to drink on the Metro. Metro Kieran dreams of a world where locals and students alike can delight in openly drinking half a bottle of Smirnoff on the journey from West Jesmond to Central, instead of hiding their journey juice like a blood diamond miner in Zimbabwe.”

Would you recommend a career in student politics to our readers?

Metro Kieran: “Metro Kieran welcomes healthy competition from similarly-Metro-minded people in order to promote public transport amonst the student electorate. However, in an ideal world, Metro Kieran would be the only student in student politics, in order to avoid needless conflicts and/or performance reviews.”

Anything you’d like to share in an official capacity?

Metro Kieran: “Metro apologises, there are delays to services due to leaves on the track between Gateshead Stadium and Pelaw, we apologise for any inconvenience caused.”

At this point, Metro Kieran had to leave after being notified that the Auditor Seat was about to kidnap his girlfriend Ketty Metty. He visually implied that we were never to contact him again.

Chris Day reportedly “nervous people are going to start making 1984 analogies any day now”

Sources close to members of Chris Day’s inner circle report he has on more than one occasion expressed that he is worried about people comparing the current situation to George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984.

An aide for the Head of The Department of Spunking Hundreds of Millions of Pounds on Ugly New Buildings went on record yesterday to claim that they had personally heard Mr. Day express fears that the University’s “brazen and extremely talented and well-opinionated student press” would begin drawing comparisons between the current climate and George Orwell’s ‘1984’.

“I’m literally fucking shaking and crying right now.”

Chris Day, allegedly.

One can only speculate on what basis Vice Chancellor Day has these fears, so that is what we will do. Perhaps it could have something to do with the fact that the University recently saw fit to use up to £125,000 of student tuition fees on expanding Operation Oak – the police crackdown on “anti-social behaviour” in student areas.

Why, I wonder, in a cultural climate where a general feeling of living in a surveillance police state is being felt daily, someone might have some thoughts about the University literally paying police to patrol and harass students.

I mean really, surely rumours of plain-clothes police officers lurking around student areas looking for people to issue 10k pound fines to, and students being encouraged to report on their neighbours don’t harken back to any dystopian fiction, and certainly not a dystopian fiction that is touted almost every day on Twitter as “prophetic”.

Personally, I believe his fears are completely unfounded. Comparisons to 1984 should be reserved for when people are mean to you after you make racist comments online. Everyone knows that the only freedom that matters is the freedom to be an asshole online. That, however, is just my opinion.

At press time, a press release was release to the Lampoon office via a sticky note on a brick detailing a pre-emptive denial of any potential future allegations that the Vice Chancellor was a malevolent cosmic entity hell-bent on the reclamation of the universe. The document went on to state that Chris Day was not an acronym for “Acrid Hys or Adris Chy, or any other equally malicious sounding moniker”, and was in fact the Vice Chancellor’s “bonafide, 100% real, given birth name”.

Disclaimer; if it wasn’t already glaringly obvious, this is a work of satirical fiction, and should not be taken as factual.

Breaking: Sabbatical officer actually does something

In a stunning turn of events, reports are coming in that a sabbatical officer has actually done something today. While our intrepid reporters are scrambling to find out what exactly they have done, The Lampoon, along with the entirety of the student population of Newcastle University, wait with bated breath to see how this unnamed brave officer is earning their £19k.

Some students have taken to Twitter to theorize what they might have done. “Maybe they’ve actually brought up tuition fees in Student Council” proposed one student. “Nah, I reckon they’ve updated their blog” replied another.

I wish I could offer a better analysis of events than just quoting some random tweets from students, but due to the unmatched nature of this event, I have nothing to compare it to. Sorry readers, you’re all on your own today. Just self-teach yourself the news, you’ll be alright.

Chris(mas) Day’s Christmas Day: the inside scoop

Christmas is a season of joy, exchanging presents, feigning joy over said presents, and stalking.

You read that correctly: stalking. One of the most popular and influential Christmas songs to date does include the lyric “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake,” after all. So when the opportunity came up to sneak into the household of Chris Day for the investigative scoop of the century, our dubious moral code meant we couldn’t say no.

How did this come about? Well, settle down and I shall reveal the full story.

It came to our attention that the Day household was seeking to employ staff to cook and serve the Christmas Dinner on the 25th. After all, COVID-19 was taking the day off, as confirmed by Johnson, so it was okay to not wear a mask. Obviously that did not mean Day was going to interact with or associate with the staff. That simply is not done. We selected our least controversial Toon Lampoon journalist (most of our reporters are instantly recognisable from the warrants out for their arrests), clothed them in one of the many maid costumes from the editor’s office (we don’t want to know what’s going on there after-hours) and sent them on their way. Our reporter gave us the full story as to what happened next.

The staff turned up at the crack of dawn to begin preparations for the Christmas breakfast and lunch (unlike the preparations for semester two from the university, which still seem to be as clear as mud). Our reporter was surprised to see elite foodstuffs like caviar, porridge seasoned with gold dust and avocado toast – but this makes sense, considering how Day earns £373,600 a year. Breakfast was served in the third dining room with solid gold cutlery and portraits of previous Day patriarchs staring down at us from their gilded frames. Our reporter swears one of the portraits blinked so there is the possibility that Chris Day is also a wizard, but we cannot be certain.

Then there would have been the exchanging of the presents, but this occurred via Zoom. Our reporter was able to keenly observe this morning ritual whilst topping up everyone’s drinks of festive mulled blue trebs (the recipe for which was created by a student and left on the university cloud before the data hack, meaning it could have been an inside job – see, we can do proper investigative journalism!). Not only did only half of the family members turn up to this Zoom meeting, entitled “Forced Family Meeting”, but the half that did turn up did not even have their cameras on! The call ended up with the Days opening presents in silence and family members mysteriously losing their WiFi connection so they couldn’t rejoin…

If the breakfast was an elaborate affair, then the lunch was practically a royal banquet! No vouchers for the NUSU Co-op vouchers in sight. Our reporter, who hadn’t been given any solid food for the past three months, was salivating at the sight. Before they could begin eating, a prayer was read out: not a Christian one, but a weird untranslatable language. Definitely a family of wizards.

Whilst the family was outside undertaking a walk of their property (namely Newcastle University) and the rest of the staff started to clean the plates, our fearless reporter took this opportunity to investigate the rest of the house. Notable discoveries include the the star on the Christmas tree in the foyer being a striking resemblance to Chris Day, and some sort of noise from the basement. Before these could be investigated further, the Days returned in time to watch the TV. If you are expecting them to have watched the Queen’s Speech, you would be sorely mistaken as they instead watched his virtual speeches like this one on repeat. No wonder the family soon found themselves in a drunken stupor, ended up in bed by 5pm and left the staff to finish the mulled trebs and 173-year old-whiskey. Coincidentally, that is where our reporter’s account finishes and which cannot account for why the reporter was found half naked at the top of Grey’s Monument this morning by police officers.

What have we learnt from this piece of investigative journalism then (we promise we won’t make a habit of it)? The Days lead an elite lifestyle and are potentially a group of wizards with people trapped in their basement. More importantly, we now cannot use this reporter for future undercover work since they have now got a warrant out for their arrest (for public indecency and other related crimes). You just can’t get the staff these days…

Featured image: Pxhere

Newcastle and Northumbria Uni’s Rivalry continues as both try to outdo one another with COVID cases

The competitive spirit between the two universities is, ironically, alive and well.

Newcastle’s two universities, Newcastle University and Northumbria University, have been engaged in a tense competition lately to see which university can crown themselves the king of COVID.

After the shocking announcement earlier this month that Northumbria Uni had seen a spike of over 700 cases, Newcastle Uni, not wanting to be seen as second best, announced over 1000 new cases just days later.

A spokesperson for Newcastle City Council had the following to say, ‘in these dark times, it’s refreshing and uplifting to see the good-spirited rivalry between our two universities live on and adapt through these difficult times. As a Newcastle University alumni, it’s hard for me to not be biased, I can only hope the red brick continues to excel.’

Numerous charities have expressed their interest in sponsoring and legitimising the contest, with a respiratory illness charity saying it would like to donate ventilators to the winning university.

Students add online lectures to sex playlist

As if this year couldn’t get any more disturbing, it has been revealed that student couples are actually using online recorded lectures as saucy additions to their sex playlists.

Often lulled to sleep during in-person classes, it is no surprise that lectures have managed to make their way into the bedroom. However, instead of being used as a late-night podcast, a number of online lecturers have instead been joining the likes of Barry White and the Backstreet Boys in promoting bouncing bedroom antics.

Particular subjects that have been accused of increasing its student’s sex drives are Biology and Spanish, with talks of stamen and biblioteca teaching something new and bold.

Our sex and relationships expert has confirmed this is now a thing after hearing it through the thin walls of their own student house. They commented about their surprise of Marvin Gaye turning into a lecture about vacuums and also their regret about living with a horny Physics student.

However, it’s not all doom and gloom, with 5 in 10 students claiming that they now have a better grasp of lecture material and think they “can really ace that next assignment”. This too has been confirmed by our sex and relationships expert, who says that deep stimulation works well for implanting memories, which also explains why they can’t stop talking about vacuums.

So, next time your lecturer asks you to turn on your camera, make sure you protest against that move because you can’t be too sure of what you’ll really be turning on.

Newcastle University’s Head of Mechanical Engineering defends use of antiquated machinery

The Head of Newcastle University’s Mechanical Engineering Department has published a scathing tirade online slamming the University’s new policy on heavy machinery. The policy, written by the Executive Board and released by jazz-artist-cum-Vice-Chancellor Chris Day this week, states that all equipment used by staff and students must have modern safety features in order to avoid causing “any harm, serious injury, or death to the operator and/or bystanders”.

In a long, rambling blog post, Professor D. Glover stated, “The university mandating the use of machinery with modern safety features belittles the faculty and students, denying us the freedom to choose to chop various appendages off or have our skin flayed from our bodies.”

He added, “The University’s Executive Board are a bunch of fearmongers; less than 1% of people were fatally injured by the machines before this forceful and probably illegal interference between man and his appliances.”

Third year student who lives in private accommodation claims it’s out of choice

It has recently emerged that a third year University student spending their final year of study in Liberty Quay private accommodation is living here by choice, and not because no one wants to live with them.

Sociology undergrad Eton Beaver was quoted saying she was sick of the misconception that she had to desperately find private accommodation for her final year because she had completely alienated every other friend she had. “I wasn’t asked to live in an actual student house like an adult because all of my previous housemates had already found someone on craigslist to move in next year. Not to be rude, but I’m too mature for that lot anyway, hence why I’ve decided to live with a bunch of fresh-faced first years.”

Beaver has further supported her decision to get Daddy to pay her extortionate rent, claiming there’s no greater smell than vodka-soaked vomit and no better middle of the night wake up call than two 18-year-olds shagging through the paper-thin walls.