“We’re not angry with you, just disappointed,” say North East Council Leaders

As the Government announced that the North East would enter into a second lockdown following rising rates of COVID-19 infections, Council Leaders across the region issued a joint statement, telling residents that they couldn’t help but be a little bit disappointed with their behaviour over the past several months.

Speaking to The Toon Lampoon’s plague and pestilence correspondent, Newcastle Council Leader Nick Forbes stated, “I, personally, really did expect better from you all. I know it’s been a difficult time, but that is, frankly, no excuse for this kind of behaviour.”

Adding to Forbes’ comments, Leader of Gateshead Council Martin Gannon told The Lampoon, “I’m well aware that things are different in other countries: the President of the United States is letting everyone do what they like, and Bolsonaro is telling everyone that it’s just a little flu. But if all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it as well?”

“Did you think that you were being cool?” asked North Tyneside Mayor, Norma Redfearn. “Did you think that everyone would like you better if you walked around without a mask, hanging out in groups of more than thirty? Because let me tell you, that sort of behaviour’s impressing no-one.”

The new lockdown measures would limit gatherings, preventing socialising with anyone outside your household, whether at home, in public spaces, or at bars and restaurants. “We know that it may not seem fair,” Durham Council Leader Simon Henig stated, “but this is really is for your own good. You may not be able to understand it now, but I – and the rest of the City Council Leaders – have only your best interests at heart.”

Henig later informed The Lampoon that pubs would still remain open until 10pm, as “we didn’t want you to feel like we were coming down too hard on you. Now, run along, you little scamps.”

Mistype costs lives as police officers arrest multiple buildings

A mistyped, anonymous tweet has allowed a murderer to evade capture, a representative from Northumbria Police reported earlier today.

The police spokesman, Les B. Avenue, told The Lampoon that there was a “real feeling of frustration” at the confusion caused by the tweet, which described the suspect as “working as a large care home”. It took several days and no less than six attempted arrests before the intended meaning – that the suspect worked at a large care home – became clear.

“Obviously, we realise now that it was a simple mistake rather than an indication that we needed to make the subject of our manhunt a multistorey building dedicated to providing care and support to the elderly and vulnerable,” Avenue told The Lampoon’s crime and horsewhippings correspondent. “However, in police work, it’s important to never disregard a potential lead, and so it was necessary to extend our enquiries to this demographic.”

Northumbria Police have faced criticism for their arrests of several large buildings, all of which they claim was the result of the misspelt tweet. These wrongful arrests included three care homes, an orphanage, and Northern Stage. On the subject of this disapproval, Avenue claimed that the police were merely following procedure.

“At the time, acting on information received that aligned with our own evidence, we believed that the identity of the Care Home Strangler was indeed a building that was two or more storeys in height, likely made of red brick. Our investigation was carried out in accordance with the law and with complete professionalism.” Avenue added, “And, honestly, giving him a name like ‘the Care Home Strangler’ was always going to lead to this kind of confusion.”

The Care Home Strangler remains at large. Northumbria Police have advised North East residents that they currently believe the suspect to be “human, with at least two hands”.

Student from London ‘disappointed’ to find Newcastle isn’t as bad as they thought

A first year student from South London was described as “shocked and disappointed” after arriving in Newcastle to find that the city is much nicer than what their peers had assumed anywhere north of the Watford Gap would be. The student in question was supposedly “looking forward to moving somewhere dismal” and was upset to find that the vast majority of Newcastle is much nicer and friendlier then their local area.

The student in question was also reportedly extremely distressed by passers-by who dared to wish them a “good morning” and reportedly struck an elderly man repeatedly for asking for directions.

The student is, however, yet to visit Gateshead.

Local man actually from Gateshead

In a turn of events that left its participants reeling, an individual who regularly referred to himself as a “Geordie” was revealed to in fact hold residence in Gateshead.

Darren Smike, 47, who had also frequently described himself as “from round here” and as living “just a stone’s throw away from here, actually”, admitted earlier today that what had seemed like just another unremarkable life was, in reality, a web of deceit cunningly woven for almost five decades.

“I got too comfortable,” Smike told Lampoon reporters. “That’s how it always happens, you know. I was just leaving the Crown Court and was walking back up the Quayside with my mates. I told them that I had to be getting back home, and I pointed across the river, over at the Baltic. I knew I’d made a mistake the second I did it. Now it’s all over.”

Smike’s acquaintances described themselves as “shaken” from the incident, having assumed that Darren was no more than the taxi driver and part-time bouncer that he had always appeared to be.

“He seemed just, you know, like a regular lad,” former friend Nick Nickson told The Lampoon. “He liked a few drinks, enjoyed the odd racist generalisation, wouldn’t grass you up to the police. After today…I’ve been going through every interaction we’ve ever had, and I can’t believe I never spotted it. I mean, he was in my home. He was in the same room as my fucking kids.” At this point, too emotionally affected to continue, Nickson terminated the interview.

Following the collapse of his deception, Darren Smike fled across the River Tyne into Gateshead where, his lawyer tells us, he plans to remain until his next steps become clear. The Lampoon took the opportunity to speak with a representative of Gateshead who, for his own safety, requested to remain anonymous.

“Mr Smike is back where he belongs,” Councillor Tom T. Trarson, 61, told our reporter. “Right now, we’re convinced that this is the safest place for him. We see things like this a lot in our line of work. People always looking over the Tyne, thinking that they can build themselves a better life there. Like Icarus, and like so many other Gateshead residents, Darren flew too close to the sun. It’s our job now to protect him from his former friends in the North and hope that, one day, the world can accept people like us.”

More information on the Newcastle/Gateshead divide can be found in The Lampoon’s recent documentary: Worse than Newcastle: The Gateshead Story.