Joe Biden commits to withdrawing troops from Afghanistan as soon as oil companies let him

Joe Biden has today committed to withdrawing all US troops from Afghanistan, just as soon as he gets the go-ahead from oil conglomerates.

“I announced in April I was going to get our boys home, and I meant it. We can’t stay in Afghanistan and continue to contribute to a bloodbath like we’re in some cowboy movie, or Iraq.”

“I just also happen to be a teensy-weensy bit scared of telling the oil guys no. They get about as unhinged as I am when I haven’t taken my meds.”

Of course, Biden admitted that there were many actors to consider.

“It’s also important we weigh up the opinion of the Afghan people, because that’ll make me look good in the re-election campaign.”

Biden is of course expertly qualified to understand all manner of complicated military matters. His understanding of technology, for example, is such that it now takes him just three hours to open a PDF.

Featured image: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

“Shit, man, what would you have said?” asks BP representative

Following a Federal District Court case in which the world’s five largest oil companies admitted to having a noteworthy role in climate change, a spokesperson for BP asked reporters, “just what the fuck you’d have said in our position.”

Addressing a press gathering, Communications Officer Tom Wilcox stated, “Look, we got the findings back in the eighties. And sure, it was some real scary shit: rising sea levels, regular forest fires, climate refugees. Well, you know what else is scary? Letting billions of tonnes of oil just sit in the ground after spending all that money on technology built specifically to get it out.”

When asked what measures BP now planned to take to reverse climate change, Wilcox said, “Let me be clear, here: no-one regrets the absolute raw pounding that Mother Earth has taken more than BP. But let’s be real here: we made our deal with the devil and the price was the future of the whole human race and your grandchildren’s lives. After all, we can’t have it said that BP broke a contract; what would the world think of us then?”

Wilcox concluded by refuting the widely-held belief that there needs to be sterner consequences for companies that contribute to climate change. “I’m sure that the sight of oil executives’ bodies twisting in the wind, suspended by hempen rope, would make everyone feel a lot better, but that’s not going to get you out of this giant apocalypse-shaped hole that we’ve put you in. If you ask my advice, the world has more important things to focus on than playing the blame game.”

Shell executives blame worsening climate change on “public’s inhuman lust for oil”

The oil company Shell today released a statement laying the blame for the increasingly severe effects of climate change at the feet of what they described as “our loyal and valued customer base”.

The memo, received by The Toon Lampoon this morning, stated the belief that climate change would “not be nearly so advanced” had human society “had the moral strength and fortitude to wean itself from Mother Earth’s oil-dripping teat”.

“It is astonishing,” the memo went on to say, “that the planet has been content to let its desire, nay, its monstrous appetite for oil force us to mine and drill the very planet that we call home for its slick, black sustenance. For decades now, we have been forced to stand by, hands figuratively tied, as the human race has pressed its filthy, bloodstained money onto us in return for our unquestioning collaboration in its mission to poison the very air we breathe.”

Shell was one of several major oil companies to admit the role that it had played in the current climate crisis, though the organisation insists that full responsibility rests upon the shoulders of its consumers.

“It’s supply and demand, nothing more,” the memo concluded. “In one powerful, overwhelming roar, the people of the world have demanded oil. And we, we unhappy few, have been fated by either birth, or position, or CV application, to supply our fellow man with the devil’s own black, poisonous piss. We condemn the climate crisis and we condemn those who have caused it: ordinary human beings like yourselves.”