Fabian Hamilton spends rest of PMQs sat cross-legged after Johnson photo question

Following his question to the Prime Minister about the newly-released photograph of Boris Johnson apparently attending a Christmas party, Fabian Hamilton allegedly crossed one leg over the other and spent the remainder of Prime Minister’s Questions quietly trying not to attract anyone’s attention.

“I mean…it’s understandable,” said Keir Starmer, when questioned about the Labour MP’s behaviour. “If I’d had the chance of the drop that sort of bomb on the Prime Minister, I’d have drilled a hole through the despatch box.”

Hamilton himself assured The Toon Lampoon that any sign of physical arousal was purely related to slinging yet more evidence of the Prime Minister’s duplicity onto the towering pile, rather than anything sordid.

“Does it make me feel… well, grubby, knowing that, most likely, Dominic Cummings had a hand… metaphorically speaking… in my erection?” the Labour MP for Leeds North East wondered aloud. “I tried very much not to think about that, but the source of political dynamite is not a choice, after all. For my part, I simply did my best to focus on the Prime Minister.”

“It still felt dirty, but I can at least live with myself.”

Following the end of Prime Minister’s Questions, Hamilton was able to bring an end to his embarrassing condition after two seconds of looking at Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries.

“Fortunately, she didn’t notice that I was gazing at her,” Hamilton assured The Lampoon. “Then again, at this time of the day, she’s probably seeing in pure double vision.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

“Cuntasaurus Rex” deemed not to be unparliamentary language

Following a heated exchange during a parliamentary session earlier today, eyebrows were raised after the Speaker of the House of Commons deemed that what has been termed “a foul insult” by Conservative MPs and “quality patter” from an SNP spokesman, did not break the rules or conventions dictating acceptable language used in Parliament.

During debate that broke out following the submission of an early day motion (“that this House recognises that recent omens indicate that it is indeed a portentous time to geld the Secretary of State for Education with a rusty pair of shears in an attempt to improve morale”), Members on both sides of the Chamber became increasingly passionate as they argued whether the omens were indeed favourable, or whether they should simply continue with recent attempts to cyberbully the Education Secretary into suicide.

After a particularly aggressive exchange of views, H. Fizkin MP, was called upon by the Speaker to retract his previous comment, in which he had termed Henry Coningsby, a Conservative MP, “a lying, bastard rat”, on the basis that the descriptors in question constituted unparliamentary language. During his retraction, Mr Fizkin thanked the Speaker for correcting him, declaring instead that Coningsby was, rather, “an absolute cuntasaurus rex”.

Members on the Conservative benches immediately appealed to the Speaker to censure Fizkin once again for his words. However, after conferring with the Deputy Speakers and consulting a copy of Erskine May, the Speaker ruled that Mr Fizkin’s comments did not constitute unparliamentary language and that the remarks would stand.

“The Member for Eatanswill’s apology and retraction, unlike his first statement, did not contain any language traditionally regarded as unparliamentary; he did not refer to the Member for Darlford as a ‘swine’, a ‘hooligan’, or a ‘hypocrite’,” the Speaker stated. “In my view, ‘cuntasaurus rex’ is an acceptable term to employ to describe anyone currently occupying a seat in the House of Commons.”

Government accused of time-wasting for insisting on mandatory thumb-sucking

A Government insider has let slip that the reason there has been no further and drastic lockdown updates recently is due to the majority party insisting on Parliamentary thumb-sucking.

In order to calm down after making really hard decisions, the Conservative Party has issued a movement within the House that requires those participating in debates to engage in the warming suck of a thumb. Many opposing parties have themselves tried to debate against the new Parliament-wide movement, but have faced an increase in jealousy and childlike wants because they, too, now want a thumb to suck.

The movement has of course faced huge backlash for many different reasons, the most prominent being the shared thumb of Boris Johnson, which takes the lips of the man himself, as well as Cummings, Sunak, and Hancock.

Our Psychology consultant, who is actually just an English student who watches true crime documentaries rather than online lectures for their degree, has stated that “thumb-sucking is probably what serial killers would do as an adult as it’s like the comfort they never got from their childhood.” It is thought that the next Cluedo board may follow from this, and may end with Dominic Raab in the Royal Gallery with the snuff box.

Keir Starmer powerbombs Boris Johnson through woolsack during heated PMQs

In what was described by viewers as a “robust confrontation” in the House of Commons, Keir Starmer today showed an uncharacteristic level of passion as he hoisted Prime Minister Boris Johnson onto his shoulders before powerbombing him straight through the woolsack.

Starmer’s absence from the chamber had been noted by MPs as Boris Johnson entered the House of Commons for Prime Minister’s Questions. However, this was soon revealed to be a mere ploy, and when the Prime Minister was asked what his engagements for the day were, the Labour leader rose up behind Johnson before driving him to the ground with what Laura Kuenssberg later described as “an RKO out of nowhere”.

Members on the Government benches appealed for the Speaker to intervene as Starmer tore his suit jacket and shirt off his body and drove elbow after elbow onto the Prime Minister’s prone form. Lindsay Hoyle, however, declared that the incident in question did not as yet amount to unparliamentary conduct and so he would let it continue.

“I, for one, was disgusted,” Conservative MP John Redwood told The Lampoon. “Mr Starmer is clearly unwilling to provide an opposition that supports the Government and praises its coronavirus response, so we are instead forced to endure scenes of him hitting Boris Johnson with the People’s Elbow – which, while it may indeed be the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, seems to me an impractically socialist manoeuvre.”

After Starmer had finally powerbombed the Prime Minister through the woolsack, he provided some brief words of comment to The Lampoon’s political correspondent, stating, “Well, let me tell you something, brother. What I just did in there is just a taste of what I’ve got in store for Boris Jabroni each week, every week at PMQs. And he can talk about the Shadow Education Secretary’s comments, and he can talk about the previous Labour government, and he can talk about sniping from the sidelines, but he needs to realise that he’s not just taking on me, but the thousands of Starmermaniacs, brother. That whole Tory Cabinet had better realise that they’re not dealing with Jeremy Corbyn; they’re dealing with a leadership winning, left-winging, policy hacking, Long-Bailey sacking Leader of the Opposition. And you can’t teach that.”

Downing Street was unavailable to comment, but a Whitehall source did confirm that Keir Starmer had been offered a match at Madison Square Garden against current Universal Champion Drew McIntyre to determine the future of Scottish Independence.

Chris Grayling exceeds all expectations

Chris Grayling entered another unparalleled feat into what is fast becoming an untouchable political record, as he failed to take up his latest post.

The predictions for his presumed reign as Head of the Intelligence and Security Committee showed a rare unity often unseen in modern British politics. Chris Grayling outperformed even the most ambitious of forecasts, though, by never actually achieving the position in the first place.

Grayling’s latest triumph of ineptitude was revealed yesterday, as Julian Lewis was instead chosen to lead the Committee, shortly before losing the Conservative Party whip.

“I’m in awe of the man,” a source on the Committee told The Lampoon. “We at least thought he’d have to get to the point of showing up to the office and finding out where we hide the good biscuits. However, his commitment to lurching from embarrassment to humiliation outshines anything else I’ve seen in this role.”

Ian Mearns, MP for Gateshead, told our political correspondent, “Am I surprised? A little. I always knew that we’d end up shaking our heads with a rueful smile, but I had money on him lasting about a week before ending up signing copies of the unredacted Russia report in Waterstones.”

When asked to comment on delivering yet another classic failure well before the predicted deadline, Grayling, having accidentally locked himself inside a stationary cupboard, told The Lampoon, “I’m certainly happy with the timeline of this latest arse-up. I do wish that I’d had the opportunity for something with a little more élan – say creating a black hole in Whitehall or summoning the Old Ones during an audit. However, I’d like to think that I have, at least, remained a dependable figure in uncertain times.”