Opinion: Leftists need to be more patriotic about my Union Jack vajazzle

There’s something terribly wrong with this country. A lack of pride that the British feel for this nation and all of its accomplishments. I mean, when was the last time that you heard the national anthem? How long has it been since we all applauded the NHS? And, for the love of God, what is the left’s problem with my Union Jack bedazzled genitalia?

I’m a proud Brit. I take pride in every moment in this country’s history. And I choose to show that pride by carefully arranging a collection of sequins over my crotch to represent our great nation’s flag.

The purity and optimism surrounding my glittery downstairs business is beyond question. However, both politicians and people on the left side of the aisle still have an almost virulent opposition to this show of support for our great country.

“It’s disgraceful,” one sour-faced biddy hissed at me, somehow incensed by what was nothing more than a fellow citizen showing their love for this country.

“You ought to be locked up,” said one young man, who seemed unwilling even to look at the symbol of my patriotism.

Locked up. That was what he – and a good portion of the rest of the left wing – wanted for me and other patriots. Our crime? Loving Great Britain.

Eventually, I was asked to leave the Tesco where my show of national pride was taking place. The manager warned that, if I did not, then they would need to call the police. I’ll admit, I was tempted to let her do so: let her try to explain that she was disgusted by a fellow Briton who actually likes the country of their birth.

It is clear that there is a terrible strain of anti-British sentiment fermenting in the national consciousness, where even the indication of patriotism is met with disapproval and threats of arrest. I have even been forced to remain at a certain distance away from all schools, clearly in an attempt to preserve the brainwashing of future generations.

But, until the left wing can accept, appreciate and celebrate the sparkling national tribute hosted by my nether regions, I fear that we truly are a country on the decline.

Featured Image: Pixabay

Your government mandated thought of the day

As the official propaganda arm of the Conservative Party, we at The Toon Lampoon are proud to present your new government mandated thought of the day – the only thought you need today.

Today’s thought is: “If you know better, why aren’t you in the House of Lords?” Remember to think this thought whenever you find yourself questioning how the Government has handled the coronavirus/Brexit/austerity/literally anything, and do not think non-approved thoughts for more than 10 minutes a day or GCHQ will be forced to monitor you. Non-approved thoughts are a sign of being an out-of-touch loony lefty, unlike the old money Tory MPs who perfectly represent the British working class. Winston Churchill didn’t win the war against national SOCIALISM by allowing people to think unapproved thoughts, we all got stuck in and thought whatever he told us to, and you should show some patriotic blitz spirit and do the same.

Only someone who spends too much time (any time is too much time) listening to so-called experts who have no idea what the real world is like could even think of an unapproved thought! The real world isn’t about thinking, it’s about doing! Do you think Boris Johnson thinks? No, he does things! He does women half his age! Be like big man Boris and don’t think!