Toon Lampoon sued for psychological distress after nude calendar shoot

A civil suit has been leveraged against The Toon Lampoon, following charges of gross distress and psychological trauma in the aftermath of a nude calendar shoot.

The family of Phil Tompkins, a local photographer, announced the lawsuit after Tompkins’s loss of sanity following the studio session.

Speaking to a gathering of reporters and a representative from The Lampoon, the Tompkins family’s legal counsel claimed that the damage visited upon the plaintiff “goes beyond what mere nudity should be able to accomplish”.

“Of course, the idea of a nude photo shoot of The Toon Lampoon – satire at its most grotesque, one could say – already conjures a host of nightmarish images that would cause any sane mind to warp itself out of sheer self-preservation,” the Tompkins’ lawyer told our reporter (‘Mr February’).

“But nudity of such a form that it turned our photographer’s eyes to bleed black as his psyche fled to another realm: the stripping bare of bodies that defy both Euclidean geometry and the basis of morality and spiritual wellbeing as we know it… well, we’re looking for compensation.”

Phil Tompkins’s physical form spread in a millimetre-thick paste over the walls, floor, and ceiling of The Lampoon offices in the aftermath of the session. He has yet to make a statement, other than to whisper in harsh, metallic tones words that correspond neither to known linguistic theory nor our current understanding of vocal cords.

The Lampoon has announced its intention in this very paragraph to fight most strenuously against these allegations once they’ve talked their lawyer down off the edge of the roof. Once their innocence is proven, they intend to counter-sue Paul Tompkins for what they have described as “a deplorable act of body shaming”.

The Toon Lampoon Naked Calendar will go on sale later this year, with all profits going towards future lawsuits.

Featured image: Pixabay

The best new films this July

As lockdown continues, many enthusiasts are turning more and more to films to waste their time with. Here are the Toon Lampoon’s recent top three:

1. Clingfilm

Clingfilm looks silver on the roll but is actually transparent. Funny how that happens.

Where to begin? Clingfilm is a classic. Used in kitchens across the world to help in the preservation of food. Its malleability and self-adhesive qualities make it perfect for closing and covering all types of containers and food items. American readers may know this better as Saran wrap, a classic example of the country’s tendency towards brand genericisation.

Clingfilm has also been employed in other areas such as dressing burn wounds or new tattoos. Truly a versatile film. However, it does often stick to itself, which is annoying.

4/5

2. Soap film

A bubble, but really up close. Looks like pride month on Jupiter.

I have no formal film studies training. As an amateur film appreciator, I couldn’t explain the science behind soap film, but I know it’s very pretty. Soap films are crucial in the formation of bubbles and foams. Something on the molecular level in its structure messes with light waves and causes soap films to have beautiful iridescent colours not unlike a rainbow. Imagine where we’d be without rainbows and bubbles?

3.5/5

3. Photographic film

Do you ever look at your phone camera and think: “Wow, I wish there was a much less convenient way of doing this with thin strips of chemically-coated plastic”?

Claude de Burgundy, we think. Rather ironically he refused to have his image put on photographic film, due to fears of it stealing part of his soul.

Well, 570 years ago that very thing existed. Renaissance inventor Claude de Burgundy found out a way to transfer light onto photographic film, and so capture images of real life scenes. Obviously, this didn’t catch on for a few centuries – the general public found they preferred the look of paintings – until 1936 when American artist Jonathan Bigsmal thought it would be funny to unearth this ancient piece of technology for a satirical art show. The rest is history.

In recent years, creative artists have been experimenting with looking at different photographic film images really quickly one after another until it looks like the images are moving. Critics say the potential to tell stories about super-powered humans and pro-US military propaganda is huge. At The Toon Lampoon we are just as excited.

5/5