Years of never being invited to parties finally pays off for Dominic Cummings

Former SPAD, moderate eugenicist, and hideous gremlin Dominic Cummings today told The Lampoon that he’s grateful to have never been invited to parties by Johnson’s government.

“It’s a real relief now, let tell you,” the gargoyle-visaged campaigner stated, in an interview with The Lampoon’s society and plague pits reporter. “I mean, now that all of these pictures are getting leaked by some unknown figure with a grudge against the Government and, probably, a very large penis.”

“Of course, it was originally very distressing: I wept so much that my eyes actually became affected; I was actually forced to test that they were still able to work correctly by… well, never mind that now.”

Significant anger has been levelled at the Conservative Party, which, it has been alleged, held as many as seven Christmas functions in 2020, while the people of Great Britain were forced to remain in lockdown. Though, as a spokesman for the Conservatives has pointed out, these measures protected the people of Great Britain from having to pair up with Priti Patel for Seven Minutes in Heaven.

The defending victor of the annual John Christie Lookalike Contest assured The Lampoon that clear evidence of these parties exist, “including photographs of Michael Gove making a cocaine angel, and Jacob Rees-Mogg being shown the error of his ways by the Ghost of Christmas Present.”

The Government has issued a statement regarding members of the public who were unable to be with their loved ones during their final moments, with a spokesperson assuring The Lampoon that Conservative MPs would have loved nothing more than to be there to watch their family members die.

Featured image: Flickr

Kyrsten Sinema announces that she’s not like those other Democrat Senators

Speaking on the steps of Capitol Hill, Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema told the press that she wasn’t like those other Democrat Senators, “who are, like, so obsessed with passing legislation that helps lift and keep people out of poverty.”

The Senator went on to claim that she was the kind of Democrat Senator who would carry a Lululemon bag, bring cake for senate staffers, vote against a minimum wage increase to $15 per hour, and be bisexual.

“I mean,” she told The Lampoon’s reporter, “how random am I? I’m so much more chill than all the other Dems: they’re always going on about abortion, combating domestic terrorism, and making sure that lower-income families don’t starve. Total snoozeville, right?”

“Meanwhile, I’m just here, taking corporate money to obstruct my colleagues’ progressive agenda. I mean, I’m just so fucking random!”

Sinema has faced criticism from both sides of the aisle, with Democrats lambasting her apparent abandonment of the very values that saw her elected, and Republicans professing a general disgust for her not being heterosexual.

“They just hate me because they wish they could be like me,” Sinema assured our correspondent. “Like, AOC wishes she could take corporate money and screw over the working classes, and Lindsey Graham wishes he could score some pole whenever he wanted. They’re just jealous.”

Democrats on Capitol Hill have suggested that, if the Arizona Senator does not begin cooperating with them to pass progressive legislation, then they shall have no alternative but to simply stop trying and hope that shit works out somewhere down the road.

Featured image: Flickr

New Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries proudly shows off new Petri dish

Nadine Dorries told journalists this evening that she was “extremely excited” to get to work as the new Culture Secretary, showing the press pack her new Petri dish, microscope, and lab coat.

Dorries confirmed that she wouldn’t be bringing goggles or gloves with her, on the basis that that was the sort of lefty health and safety nonsense that this country could do without.

In addition to Nadine Dorries’ new position, Liz Truss has also moved into the role of Foreign Secretary, in what has been heralded as the latest move in the Government’s war on satire, as well as proof of their commitment to diversity when it comes to women and people living with pronounced mental illness.

“As Culture Secretary, I’m going to do everything I can to foster microorganism growth in conditions best suited to it,” Dorries added. “That is my responsibility, and that’s what I plan to do.”

Dorries’ commitment to fostering the growth of tissue has been well-documented, as she introduced several unsuccessful Private Member’s Bills to reduce the time limit for abortions in the UK.

A spokesperson for Downing Street claimed that the Prime Minister had “complete faith” in Dorries as she moved to start her new position.

“Nadine has consistently demonstrated outstanding judgement,” the spokesperson told The Toon Lampoon. “From appearing on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here to employing her daughters and sister for up to £45,000 a year, she has been beyond reproach.”

“We look forward to her excellent leadership when it comes to bringing about a new Golden Age of British culture, featuring Sid James, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, and her own shit novels.”

Featured image: Wikimedia

Priti Patel apologises for breaking social distancing rules during migrant family slaying

Home Secretary Priti Patel has apologised for failing to uphold social distancing guidelines during the ritualistic slaughter of a migrant family.

“It is true that I could have been more cautious and more alert during this period,” Patel told The Lampoon. “I failed to observe the advised distance of two metres while my fingers tightened around the father’s malnourished throat, which I acknowledge is not acceptable behaviour.”

Earlier this week, The Lampoon released stills from a video showing the Home Secretary removing the internal organs of a young Polish man before laying them at the feet of a bronze likeness of Margaret Thatcher.

Patel was then faced with criticism on social media for her failure to wear a mask during the unholy ritual, which the NHS has stated is paramount in preventing the spread of COVID-19.

“I’m sorry that people think that my conduct was unacceptable during this period,” Patel told our reporter. “Carrying out regular Home Office business while obeying the current guidelines is a difficult matter, and one which I am still adjusting to.”

“If someone out there thinks that they can accomplish the important and necessary task of holding an undocumented immigrant’s head underwater for the statutory ten minutes without breaking social distancing guidelines, then I’d like to see it.”

“I mean, I’d really, really like to see it.”

Featured image: Number 10 on Flickr

Activist Tries to Overthrow Status Quo, Almost Kills Entire Band.

“It started like most murder sprees do these days: in an online discussion board. Well, I say ‘discussion board’ – it was the comments section below an educational video. Well, I say ‘educational’ – it was more like… well, it was a video of a guy crushing a glass jar in his anus.”

These words were spoken to me from behind a thick glass screen, through a prison phone.

The Lampoon takes COVID-19 precautions very seriously.

Speaking to me on the subject that had led to his arrest, the attempted murder of all five members of the pop rock band ‘Status Quo’, was a young man called Incel McMurderous. The unusual name, he claimed, was the result of his having allowed a message board on Reddit to legally change his name to whatever they decided.

The teenager continued to describe to me the moment he was first introduced to radical political theory, on the website, saying:

“Some commenter called ‘Ass-BreathKiller69’ really made me start thinking about political theory when he compared the video of the jar being crushed up that dude’s arse with the state of contemporary society. He said that Status Quo is inherently destructive, and that it forces us to do meaningless, immoral things for the sake of its own experimental continuation.

“I replied to him saying Status Quo aren’t that experimental; Rockin’ All Over The World is hardly Eleanor Rigby. He just sent back ‘lmao’. I realised then that I was being stupid. There was clearly a lot more to this band than irritatingly catchy pop songs.”

Perhaps it was appropriate, considering how it began, that Incel’s radicalisation journey was, in his words, “a right pain in the arse.” It separated him from friends, family, and all the followers on his Tom Hardy appreciation instagram page.

“I just stopped talking to people about anything other than Status Quo. All anyone could speak to me about was the inevitable collapse of our planet’s ecosystems, the complete loss of the concept of privacy to unaccountable global technology companies, and the further slides towards incompetent right-wing populism, that would all happen if Status Quo was allowed to continue without radical transformation.

“I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. I just read comments from Ass-BreathKiller69 all day, every day, because I knew he was the only person telling the truth about Status Quo. Before I finally went to kill the band, I wrote the Ass-BreathKiller69 manifesto on his behalf, which I think should be required reading for every politician.”

The Ass-BreathKiller69 manifesto is a surprisingly complex political document, touching on ecology, surveillance and even extremist violence, and relating them to literary works such as Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four. Attempts to link these complex political issues to a pop-rock band from the 70s, however, seem at all times like nonsensical overreaches. When I pressed Incel about that, he replied:

“Look, I know that now. I have realised at this point that it doesn’t make sense. Some tiny little rock band with no overt political opinions are somehow controlling the entire world? I mean when has anyone ever believed that a tiny group of people with no set ideology could be behind everything negative about the way the world works? People are too clever for that.

“What I think people don’t understand when I tell them about this is that I’m not an Ass-Breath Killer, because I think it is true. I killed Richie Malone and John ‘Rhino’ Edwards because I want it to be true. We’re all stuck in a mason jar up a man’s anal passage, and the walls are closing in. Obviously, the problem is the oppressive pressure of the sphincter, and we should be focusing our attention on holding that back from crushing us all.

“But have you ever tried holding someone’s sphincter open against their will? Believe me, it’s not easy.”

When I pressed Incel on how he came to this knowledge, he waved me off, and continued:

“It’s much easier to sit in the jar, and blame someone else who’s also in the jar, and kill them. And maybe you’ll turn out to be right. Maybe you’re not in an anus at all, and in fact would be really happy in the jar if you just killed a pop group that tours around it.”

At this point, Incel could tell that he was losing me with his metaphor, and simply said:

“I tried to kill Status Quo because it was easier than fighting the status quo. But that’s not really going to change anything.

“The only true change can come,” he said, “from the collective action, the unification, of everyone oppressed by our current world.

“In other words, real change is what happens when everyone comes together at the bottom.”

Joe Manchin to regularly garotte Democrat voters in attempt to foster bipartisanship

Joe Manchin today announced his intention to strangle the life out of a Democrat voter, every hour, on the hour, in order to encourage bipartisan efforts within the Senate.

The Senator for West Virginia stated that reaching across the aisle was fundamental to the ideals that the Senate had been created to serve, and that he was going to ensure that it continued to do so by throttling his party’s voters with American-made piano wire.

“What my colleagues in the Democratic Party patently fail to realise is that we cannot proceed with a purely partisan approach,” Manchin told The Toon Lampoon. “I believe that partisan voting legislation will destroy the already weakening binds of our democracy, and I intend to make it stronger by staring into the dimming, red eyes of any son of a bitch I catch voting for my party.”

Manchin claims that the regular and gradual culling of Democratic supporters will ensure that neither Democrats nor Democrats will be able to pursue their own agenda without the support of their opposition on Capitol Hill.

“How are we supposed to create policy with the Republicans when our supporters hugely outnumber theirs?” Manchin asked our reporter. “That’s what’s forced them to put all of these roadblocks between the American people and their right to participate in elections, and shame on us for not trying to solve this problem.”

Manchin admits that garotting one Democrat per hour is neither the most efficient nor rapid way to right what he calls “a partisan imbalance of support,” but he is sure that his efforts will be greeted with a positive response by Republican Senators, many of whom can boast their own attempts to kill off their own voters.

Downing Street rejects Cummings’ Shakespeare bio claims on grounds that PM “isn’t a goddamn nerd”

A statement from Downing Street this morning categorically rejected the accusation from Dominic Cummings that Boris Johnson no-showed five COBRA meetings to instead work on a biography of playwright and plague aficionado, William Shakespeare, claiming that the Prime Minister “isn’t some fucking geek that sits around reading plays or writing artsy-fartsy books.”

The spokesperson went on to state that the only reason that the Prime Minister would miss a Cabinet Office Briefing Room A meeting, intended to protect the public from the COVID-19 pandemic, “would be to do something totally boss, like street racing, hanging around a shopping centre, or getting into this one bar where the bouncers know him and straight-up just let him in, even though he’s got no ID.”

This incident signals a further change in approach when it comes to the former “SPAD”. Previous Downing Street policy was to rewrite reality itself to better fit the words of the eugenics advocate and John Christie cosplayer, witnessed during Cummings’ statement to the press regarding the restorative powers of Barnard Castle.

Fractures in the relationship between Cummings and Johnson have since emerged, with the former advisor claiming that Boris Johnson planned to let the coronavirus “ravage the nation with such a lack of restraint and mercy that the Conservatives would probably run it as a candidate”.

But these new allegations have been met with vehement denial from Downing Street. While the Prime Minister’s detractors may claim that this fierce response indicates the truthfulness of Cummings’ account, sources in the Conservative Party continue to deny that there is any authenticity to the claims.

“As far as Dominic Cummings is concerned,” the spokesperson concluded, “if the Prime Minister did indeed neglect to attend a COBRA meeting, it was to keep his schedule clear in order to accommodate the serious and politically sensitive business of shagging Cumming’s mum.”

Keir Starmer “takes full responsibility” for search for elections scapegoat

In a revealing interview with The Toon Lampoon, Keir Starmer has pledged that he and he alone will shoulder the heavy burden of finding someone to blame for Labour’s disappointing performance in local elections.

“It’s obvious that something is wrong in our approach,” Starmer told our reporter. “The people of the country were shown what was on offer, and many of them used their democratic vote to categorically reject the most visible element of the Labour Party.”

“I promise that I will not rest until I find out what, or who, that element is.”

Labour supporters faced a grim Friday. The loss of Hartlepool’s parliamentary seat was compounded by Labour surrendering its majority in Durham County Council for the first time in a century.

Corbynite elements within the Party are proclaiming the affair to be just another example of the former Labour leader “winning the argument, you swish, Blairite bastard”.

Starmer was met with further derision following his response to Labour’s dismal performance, where he sacked party chair Angela Rayner, anyone “who looks a bit too Marxist”, and your dad. But, the leader of the Labour Party claimed, he planned to take full responsibility for blaming any other viable targets.

“Being a leader means stepping up and putting yourself in the firing line,” Starmer told The Lampoon. “And in the spirit, I plan to fire a whole line full of people until the electorate realise what an amazing leader I am and stop banging on about ‘opposition’.”

The Labour leader concluded the interview by blaming our reporter for the disappointing local election results. He then fired our reporter from his role as John McDonnell’s body double for scenes featuring graphic nudity.

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

Widow of man strangled by Boris Johnson “can’t imagine how Corbyn would have treated him”

The wife of a civil servant throttled to death by Boris Johnson has told The Toon Lampoon that she thanks God each and every day that her late husband never suffered the misfortune of coming into contact with Jeremy Corbyn.

“It’s been unimaginable,” Karen Smike, 47, told our reporter. “It’s hard to put into words how it feels to know that someone I loved and cared for is no longer here: to know that he died desperately trying to take one more breath of oxygen, but that he couldn’t, thanks to Boris Johnson.”

Smike continued on to say that, though the action of strangling or the inaction of not stopping strangling committed by the Prime Minister had caused her levels of trauma and heartbreak that she had not formerly believed possible, that it was clear to her that her husband had been saved from the undoubtedly worse fate reserved for him had he been forced to work alongside Jeremy Corbyn.

“Even as I replay his last futile gasps for air through my head, day after day, for hours on end, I know that Corbyn would have increased his suffering a hundredfold. Whether that would have been by strangling him for a lot longer, or by strangling him and also his brother, or by not allowing him to go to the pub while also strangling him, I know in my heart that it would have been worse.”

Smike claims that, despite accepting that Boris Johnson is responsible for the loss of her late husband, this will not stop her voting Conservative in the next general election, on the basis that she believes that the leader of any other political party would have strangled her husband to an equal or greater degree than the Prime Minister had the nation granted them that opportunity.

A spokesperson from the Conservative Party has issued a statement saying that, ideally, we would live in a world where Boris Johnson would not be permitted to strangle anyone, but “sadly, we are forced by our current circumstances to accept a certain amount of strangling, and we can only hope that we are able to keep this at a manageable level and ensure that the right companies and individuals receive the funding they need to reach this target.”

Toon Lampoon editors pledge to mock Caitlyn Jenner’s political career “without going all JK Rowling on her”

An emergency strategy meeting has been held at The Lampoon office in the wake of Caitlyn Jenner’s recent gubernatorial announcement. As such, The Lampoon’s editors have stated that the august satire publication will do its best to reduce Jenner to a weeping, self-loathing wreck “without, you know, making fun of… well, you know.”

Writers for The Lampoon agreed that they would not follow in the footsteps of popular children’s author and amateur mystery writer JK Rowling. Rowling has gone on record to state that trans women only transition in order to get into women’s bathrooms and the governor’s mansion of California.

This follows her claim that, six years after the events of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Ron briefly considered having an affair with Padma Patil but decided he’d not be able to cope with concealing the indiscretion.

In an interview with The Lampoon, a spokesperson for the Jenner campaign team stated that the Keeping Up with the Kardashians alumnus was looking forward to The Lampoon‘s coverage.

“Caitlyn is as enthusiastic and prepared as she is brave and beautiful,” a spokesperson for her campaign told our reporter. “We’re ready to run a strong campaign: to put our foot on the gas and drive right through whatever obstacles are in our way, whether it’s a Prius, a Lexus, or a 69-year-old woman.”

Our reporter also asked whether Jenner was ready to join figures such as Candace Owens and Milo Yiannopoulos as the entire Republican Party’s “my {insert minority here} friend”.

The Jenner campaign replied that Jenner was looking forward to not being attacked by the American right wing for her gender identity. Instead, the campaign spokesperson said, she was relishing the thought of instead being attacked from the left, for being a literal car crash of a human being.

Featured Image: Flickr