Biden family finds White House “riddled” with Home Alone-esque booby traps

The Biden family encountered difficulties while moving into the White House following President Joe Biden’s inauguration on Wednesday. Eyewitnesses reported hearing “screams, whizzes, bangs and small explosions” coming from the residence only minutes after the President’s arrival.

An FBI investigation the following day revealed that hundreds of booby traps had been meticulously inserted throughout the White House by the Trump administration. Nail guns in flowerpots and pits beneath rugs were found in surplus.

“I walked in the door and hot glue sprayed in my eye,” President Biden told The Lampoon, “The place is absolutely riddled. I only just swerved out of the way of the swinging axes in the doorway of the Oval Office.”

President Biden was not the only victim of the traps. First Lady Dr. Jill Biden allegedly had her eyebrows scorched off by a flamethrower hidden inside the White House coffee machine.

“The booby traps were bad enough,” the First Lady added, “But the faecal matter smeared all across the walls? That was a step too far.”

“Needless to say it was a messy affair,” White House janitor Michael Mopinbuckett told our reporter on the scene. “Cleaning the walls took me all day. Then I found out that all thirty-five of the White House’s toilets had been clingfilmed. Fifteen of them were used before I was alerted.”

Reports from the FBI indicate that contraband was also discovered under the floorboards of the Oval Office. Allegedly, President Trump kept a stash of over 27 kilograms of fake tan.

FBI officials on the scene refused to comment beyond a single statement, declaring the stunt the “craziest shit [they’d] ever seen.”

“People think President Donald Trump’s appearance on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was just a small gig!” Donald Trump lookalike and Twitter-user Ronald Tmurp stated the same day on the social media platform. “Wrong! I learned a trick or two from Macaulay Culkin. Sorry, I mean he learned.”

Americans wake up the morning after Biden’s inauguration to find the nation hasn’t miraculously healed overnight

Citizens across the United States have been horrified to wake up the day after President Joe Biden was inaugurated to find that their country looks, well, basically the same.

In his speech on Capitol Hill, Biden addressed the four crises currently facing the US: the COVID-19 pandemic, the resultant economic slump, the climate emergency and the country’s institutional racism. These were themes prevalent in his election campaigning, too

But, 20 hours into his presidency, Americans woke up the next morning to find the country very much the same, except someone new had taken over the @POTUS Twitter account.

“I thought the sun would be shining, the birds would be singing, and both COVID and racism would be gone,” Biden campaigner Hilarie Clinten told The Toon Lampoon. “But it’s still January, the birds have migrated south because of climate change, and COVID and racism are still destroying our nation. This wasn’t what we were promised.”

“Our toilet’s still broken, and the plumber says he doesn’t have an opening ’til next week. Plus, they’ve ran out of strawberry Pop-Tarts at my local Walmart. It’s a shambles.”

Clinten isn’t the only only disappointed by the new administration.

“It sucks,” disgraced former president Donald Trump, dressing gown-clad on his balcony in Mar-a-Lago, shouted to anyone who would listen. “Biden is just letting this country down. The people are so bigly disappointed.”

In his first 24 hours in office, Biden signed a slew of executive orders. The US will be rejoining the WHO, signing onto the Paris Accord, and overturning Trump’s travel ban on majority-Muslim countries. But, as we all know from our experience at The Toon Lampoon creating a petition to get us recognised as the official Newcastle University student paper, just signing your name doesn’t get you very far.

“We expected massive assault rifles shooting out COVID vaccines, football pitch-sized vacuums sucking all the pollution out of the air, and money falling from the sky,” Clinten explained. “There’s been none of that.”

Biden has also disappointed his new citizens with his underwhelming Twitter presence, too. No exclamation marks have appeared in his tweets so far, and capital letters have only been used where grammatically necessary.

Americans are waiting with bated breath to see whether the new president does bring real change beyond just a subdued social media presence.

Featured image: Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

Trump wins bigly with 117% of the vote

President-for-life Donald Trump has granted The Toon Lampoon exclusive permission, out of all the liberal fake news sites, to report on his second election victory and subsequent eternal reign. We can neither confirm nor deny that this is related to The Lampoon’s known stance as a paid propaganda rag for Boris Johnson.

The corrupt, big government-supporting blue states had their unfairly-stolen electoral college seats redistributed to the guns n’ freedom-loving red states that truly earned them by being real Americans. Our America correspondent reported that this was to prevent the commie Demonrats committing electoral fraud by counting anti-American votes, but we have not been able to verify this as he disappeared mysteriously shortly after someone retweeted a post he made comparing glorious leader Donald I’s hair to a dead cat. We asked one of the Proud Boys guarding the polling stations if he knew where our correspondent had gone, but he just made us sing The Star-Spangled Banner really fast to prove we weren’t illegal immigrants.

With such an enormous margin of victory, it is clear that God-Emperor Trump is beloved by all true Americans and only illegal immigrants or Satanic deep state paedophiles dared to vote against him. With the socialist House of Representatives finally shut down while the eternal ruler finds new conservative politicians to replace the now “deported” Demonrats, Trump will finally be able to get around to his election policies of turning China into a private car park and putting America’s failed communist government programs under the competent business administration of his various family members, freeing up more tax money to be spent on keeping the fallout barrier along the Mexican border as strong as ever.

The last surviving Democrat voter told The Lampoon that it would have been worse if Trump had achieved the 160% majority he was predicted against Sanders

Vladimir Putin announced as 46th president of the United States

Bare-chested, wielding the severed head of a Kamchatka brown bear, mounted on the back of a steroid-fuelled Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin entered the White House today to accept his new position as president of the United States.

Pro-Trump supporters, surprisingly, were taken back to see Trump and Putin cooperating. As the couple approached the White House steps, crowds stopped in stunned silence, watching Donald clear the steps with Trump™ polish and laying out a Trump™ blanket to soothe Putin’s feet. 

Trump stood in front of the White House and announced “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new president. He’s going to be – you know this – he’s going to be the greatest president this country has ever seen. I’ve always said Russia, Russia, Russia. Me and Vlad go way back. I support him, bigly. He’s going to do a wonderful job.”

Despite the difficulty of the new situation, Trump’s crowd were quick to realign themselves with their orange president’s new allegiance. One particularly quick man shouted: “It’s about time! If there’s one thing I’ve always said this country needed to make it great again, it’s communists.”

What followed was a shaky attempt at improvising the Russian national anthem, which very few members of the crowd knew, but all attempted to demonstrate a passionate attachment to.

Putin then drop-kicked the bear’s decapitated head into the crowd, who devoured it with the same fervour they usually only reserved for screaming in the ears of low-paid young supermarket workers attempting to enforce shop health policy.

Putin commenced his speech: “I would like to thank the entire public of the United States for voting for me unanimously. I applied very late into the process, because I feared you Americans would not be ready for a strong, masculine leader after four years of this orange pussy imbecile, but I figured that if Kanye West could make a presidential bid after the application deadline, so could I.”

“I would like to thank the US postal service for ensuring that American democracy was protected by eliminating all potential Russian ballots from the count. The one vote that was counted, in the end, I believe speaks for the entire nation.”

After a lengthy ceremony, during which Putin sacrificed Donald Trump to Mark Zuckerberg, The Arbiter of Truth, he was lifted up by the crowd, carried into the White house, and sworn in as the 46th president of the United States.

Opinion: Not voting for Trump in 2020 makes me a hero, you socialist fucks

Look, leftists, I think that you and I have to get something straight. You need to start acknowledging how magnanimous and forward-thinking I am for not voting for Donald Trump this November, or we’re going to have some real problems.

I voted for Trump in 2016, and I’m not ashamed of that. If the best that you can offer me is Hillary Clinton, with her emails, and Benghazi, and her cheating rapist of a husband, then don’t be surprised when I start looking for other options. And yes: maybe I would have been happier voting for Ted Cruz, or Marco Rubio, or even John Kasich, but I have been a Republican since I was young enough to vote, so don’t expect me to throw a lifelong loyalty to my party out of the window just because my first choice doesn’t get the nod. I voted red down the whole ballot, and I have no regrets.

It seems like it’s been a long time since that election and, I have to admit, your disappointment at Hillary going down to the Donald really made me believe that I’d accomplished something great. Even now, I look back at footage from that night – of college kids with coloured hair and children with dark skin holding each other, eyes wide with fear – and I can’t deny that it makes me want to vote for Trump all over again. But, like I say, it’s been a long time, and there’s been plenty of events over the past four years that have made me take stock and reconsider.

And I’m not talking about the young children that have been forced to live and die in cages for years now, or about the fact that the wall that I voted for hasn’t been put up along the Mexican border yet. Nor do I mean the revelation by a Senate Intelligence Committee that Russia meddled in our national elections on behalf of President Trump, or the fact that he has had a higher turnover of staff and officials than any other President before him, all of whom have gone on to disparage or write tell-all books about how allegedly “unhinged” he is. This doesn’t have anything to do with him getting impeached for withholding aid to Ukraine in order to gain dirt on Sleepy Joe Biden and his son, or the fact that he and the Senate aren’t acting against Russian interference in this election or attempting to halt the sabotage of the United States Postal Service. I’m not saying this because he told the armed forces to teargas protestors and had a priest removed from a Washington DC church so that he could pose with a Bible, or because he’s not been able to demonstrate the mental awareness that I believe a President needs to possess. This isn’t about the unrest that has broken out under his watch or his pardons for Joe Arpaio and Roger Stone, or all of those photos of him with Jeffrey Epstein (who didn’t kill himself, by the way) and Ghislaine Maxwell (who didn’t kill herself, by the way – EDITOR’S NOTE: DELETE IF NECESSARY).

The reason that I am voting against President Trump in the upcoming election is that he claimed that the coronavirus was a “liberal hoax”. Back then, my wife and I believed that’s exactly what it was. We couldn’t help but laugh at all the dumb sheep, hiding inside and keeping a mask over their faces. “Maybe that’ll stop them from talking so much trash about the greatest country in the world,” my dear Lucy used to say.

I say “used to say” because Lucy sadly died a few weeks ago, having been infected with the coronavirus that our President told us was all a big lie. The coronavirus that he and the First Lady have now contracted, after denying its severity all this time.

There’s only so far that you can push a man, and when someone is responsible for the death of your wife, whose only crime was believing a man she thought was the greatest President that this country had ever had, it becomes impossible for you to give them your vote.

So, I’ll be holding my nose and voting for Joe Biden and his socialist agenda. I don’t expect your thanks, and I frankly don’t want them. The day I accept anything from a Demoncrat is the day I want you to put two in my head and bury me in the backyard. Of course, given that none of you snowflakes own guns, that could take a while, so maybe you could just get Hillary’s people to do it for you.

No: what I want is for you to respect how insightful and great-hearted it is of me to change my mind. Maybe you think it’s easy to change your mind in the face of all the opposition, both foreign and domestic, that President Trump has endured during his first term. I bet that you’ve just been loving every one of these so-called “scandals” and the ever-rising death toll, knowing what it’s doing to those of us who voted according to our hearts and our morality back in 2016.

Well, you can just about start giving me the credit that I deserve for this decision and this sacrifice. You owe me that, along with your gratitude and your respect.

And if you don’t give me that, at the very least, then don’t be surprised if I vote for him again this election.