Downing Street rejects Cummings’ Shakespeare bio claims on grounds that PM “isn’t a goddamn nerd”

A statement from Downing Street this morning categorically rejected the accusation from Dominic Cummings that Boris Johnson no-showed five COBRA meetings to instead work on a biography of playwright and plague aficionado, William Shakespeare, claiming that the Prime Minister “isn’t some fucking geek that sits around reading plays or writing artsy-fartsy books.”

The spokesperson went on to state that the only reason that the Prime Minister would miss a Cabinet Office Briefing Room A meeting, intended to protect the public from the COVID-19 pandemic, “would be to do something totally boss, like street racing, hanging around a shopping centre, or getting into this one bar where the bouncers know him and straight-up just let him in, even though he’s got no ID.”

This incident signals a further change in approach when it comes to the former “SPAD”. Previous Downing Street policy was to rewrite reality itself to better fit the words of the eugenics advocate and John Christie cosplayer, witnessed during Cummings’ statement to the press regarding the restorative powers of Barnard Castle.

Fractures in the relationship between Cummings and Johnson have since emerged, with the former advisor claiming that Boris Johnson planned to let the coronavirus “ravage the nation with such a lack of restraint and mercy that the Conservatives would probably run it as a candidate”.

But these new allegations have been met with vehement denial from Downing Street. While the Prime Minister’s detractors may claim that this fierce response indicates the truthfulness of Cummings’ account, sources in the Conservative Party continue to deny that there is any authenticity to the claims.

“As far as Dominic Cummings is concerned,” the spokesperson concluded, “if the Prime Minister did indeed neglect to attend a COBRA meeting, it was to keep his schedule clear in order to accommodate the serious and politically sensitive business of shagging Cumming’s mum.”

Conservative Party to fund seminars on how to rationalise voting for Michael Gove

In the wake of Boris Johnson’s most recent scandal, the Tory Party will reportedly pay a London-based training company an undisclosed amount to help party members explain their vote for Michael Gove to non-Conservative voters.

“We’re very keen to take on this challenge,” a spokesperson from the training organisation Indie Fensible told our reporter. “We understand the difficulty in having to suddenly and vehemently defend to the death what, mere moments earlier, you would have emptied both barrels of a shotgun into. That being said, Michael Gove is certainly unlike anything we have faced before.”

The news of these seminars has been greeted with considerable positivity by Conservative Party members.

“I’m immensely grateful,” Mr Humphrey Wokingham told The Lampoon. “I back the Conservative Party to the hilt, of course, but one finds it so embarrassing when one is presented with the facts as seen from a certain point of view and, often in the gauchest of terms, asked to explain why they continue to support the Prime Minister.”

Mrs Emilia Thornton told our reporter, “I was brought up by Nanny to always vote Conservative, and I fully intend to, but there’s just something so horrid about that Gove man. I’m very much looking forward to being told about why it’s all going to be all right. I expect it’ll be rather jolly: just like school.”

The Toon Lampoon’s polling at this time suggests that 40% of Conservative Party members would happily attend the proposed seminars, with a further 45% stating that they’d not normally sit in an uncomfortable chair and be lectured by some long-haired, pot-loving university graduate, but anything to shut up the bastard kids whenever that glasses-wearing tit takes a shit on the democratic carpet.

A final 15% of those polled told our journalist to go back to where she came from. As the journalist in question was born in Sunderland, we at The Lampoon would like to assure our readers that we condemn this sentiment in the strongest possible terms.

Sunak supporters brand Chancellor “first fun-sized PM”

Supporters of Rishi Sunak have today embarked on a new strategy to position the Chancellor of the Exchequer as the obvious successor to current Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Supporters have claimed that the MP for Richmond would be “the first travel-sized Prime Minister”.

Many news outlets and the BBC have so far attempted to disguise Sunak’s 5’6” frame with carefully angled photography. The Chancellor’s cabal, however, have begun touting the advantages of having a first among equals who would be the last to know when it was raining.

“The word we would like to associate with Mr Sunak is ‘compact’,” Conservative MP E. Tonian told The Lampoon. “There are, after all, a number of benefits of having such a Lilliputian head of state.”

“Reduced price on airline tickets whenever there are conferences abroad, greater opportunities for storage and, of course, the cuteness factor. I mean, how could anyone vote against that tiny man?”

“Look at him there, in his little suit. You don’t want to make the Prime Minister cry, do you? Imagine how awful you’d feel if you made the tiny Prime Minister cry. Vote Conservative.”

However, not everyone in the Conservative Party has been fully persuaded of the appeal of a Tory Prime Mini-ster. Henry Coningsby, MP for Millbank, stated “I’m well aware of the admirable achievements of famous short men: Danny DeVito, Cayetano Santos Godino, Wolverine.”

“But I cannot in good faith put my support behind a Prime Minister whose official photograph would be mistaken by millions as a child’s first day at big school. More seriously, I’m also troubled by the idea that Sunak would not be able to join other world leaders on a rollercoaster ride.”

According to his supporters, Sunak intends to start his bid for leadership as soon as Boris Johnson is next found to have committed an action unworthy of a Prime Minister.

“It’s a waiting game,” one anonymous source told The Lampoon. “It could be in five minutes. It could be in ten minutes. But, whenever it happens, we’ll be ready to make sure that the Chancellor hasn’t had too many sweets and fizzy pop.”

Featured Image: Pixabay

Limited edition Margaret Thatcher Sex Doll already sold out

Despite being described by many as a hellish marriage of right wing views and the height of poor taste, it was today announced that the limited range of sex dolls crafted in the image of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has already been completely sold out.

“It’s no surprise, honestly,” said Chief of Fuckpuppet Design Arthur Clamp. “We’ve poured millions into this product, and I believe that it is the most accurate simulacrum of the former premier that there has ever been.”

The Margaret Thatcher Privatesteasation 5000 is reportedly the most advanced sex doll that has ever been produced, boasting an array of never-seen-before features, including a selection of the three-term Prime Minister’s famous quotes that the doll can be programmed to say mid-coitus.

“We are especially proud of the doll’s vocal performance,” Clamp told The Lampoon. “There are snippets from her speeches in there, of course, as well as the whole episode of Yes, Prime Minister that the old girl wrote, with the option for it to be clearly enunciated in her signature style or else muffled and unclear should the doll’s mouth be…obstructed.”

In a further reveal, Clamp announced that any dolls sold to certain areas of the United Kingdom would be shipped with an attachable twelve-inch phallus, “in the event that anyone in the North of England, or Scotland, or Wales, or Ireland would like to turn back the clock and experience the sensation of being roughly fucked by the Iron Lady.”

Incongruous elements in a news article reveal that you are in fact dreaming

In a statement given in front of 10 Downing Street earlier today, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli revealed that none of this was real and was in fact MUSHROOMMUSHROOMMUSHROOM

Following a brief statement, the Mime Prinister told reporters that he had to leave, although he couldn’t take the elevator because of the alligator. Prime Minister Dirsaeli then left the press conference before turning into your mother, although at the same time not quite your mother.

In a statement given in front of 10 Downing Street earlier today, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli revealed that none of this was real and was in fact MUSHROOMUSHROOMUSHROOM

When you tried a light switch, the lights didn’t come on. Everyone you see in the street have faces made up of people you’ve seen before. Your teeth are falling out, and you can’t stop them. The brakes on your car doesn’t work, and it’s going too fast.

In a statement, given in front of 10 Downing Street earlier today, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli revealed that none of this was real and was in fact MUSHROOMMUSHROOMMUSHROOM

In a statement given in front of 10 Downing Street earlier today, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli revealed that none of this was real and was in fact MUSHROOMMUSHROOMMUSHROOM

In a statement given in front of 10 Downing Street earlier today, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli revealed that none of this was real and was in fact WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP