Fabian Hamilton spends rest of PMQs sat cross-legged after Johnson photo question

Following his question to the Prime Minister about the newly-released photograph of Boris Johnson apparently attending a Christmas party, Fabian Hamilton allegedly crossed one leg over the other and spent the remainder of Prime Minister’s Questions quietly trying not to attract anyone’s attention.

“I mean…it’s understandable,” said Keir Starmer, when questioned about the Labour MP’s behaviour. “If I’d had the chance of the drop that sort of bomb on the Prime Minister, I’d have drilled a hole through the despatch box.”

Hamilton himself assured The Toon Lampoon that any sign of physical arousal was purely related to slinging yet more evidence of the Prime Minister’s duplicity onto the towering pile, rather than anything sordid.

“Does it make me feel… well, grubby, knowing that, most likely, Dominic Cummings had a hand… metaphorically speaking… in my erection?” the Labour MP for Leeds North East wondered aloud. “I tried very much not to think about that, but the source of political dynamite is not a choice, after all. For my part, I simply did my best to focus on the Prime Minister.”

“It still felt dirty, but I can at least live with myself.”

Following the end of Prime Minister’s Questions, Hamilton was able to bring an end to his embarrassing condition after two seconds of looking at Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries.

“Fortunately, she didn’t notice that I was gazing at her,” Hamilton assured The Lampoon. “Then again, at this time of the day, she’s probably seeing in pure double vision.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Conservative MP accuses Keir Starmer of “smug competence”

A Conservative spokesman struck out this morning at the “smug, non-British attitude of competence and maturity” displayed by Keir Starmer, Leader of the Opposition.

The Tory backbencher, who requested that he remain anonymous, told The Toon Lampoon, “I, for one, am completely fed up of Mr Starmer doing his research, preparing statements and questions, and otherwise exhibiting an air of professionalism which I can only describe as ‘condescending’.”

Boris Johnson has, for several weeks, faced criticism for what have been described as “blundering” performances at Prime Minister’s Questions Time. This, however,  is the first time that the Leader of the Opposition has been condemned for appearing too qualified.

“I think the British public are fast becoming sick and tired of being made to feel that the leader of a political party, a QC, and a knight, might have more knowledge and specific expertise than they do,” a Downing Street source told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “I’m certain that they feel much more assured by having Boris Johnson – the approachable, salt of the earth Boris – at the helm of the nation during this turbulent and political time.”

The Lampoon’s reporter took the time to ask members of the public their views.

“I’m fed up of it,” some lady in a red coat told us. “I really like the way that Boris has been telling us that we’re doing so well and that Britain is just the best at everything. I think that Starmer standing there and asking about figures and statistics is bringing the country down.”

“I mean, it’s annoying how businesslike and focused on the details he is instead of looking at the big picture,” a man [NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: please try to get their names next time, dickhead, and don’t forget to delete this bit before you publish the piece] told our reporter. “I mean, lawyer or not, I’d like to see Keir Starmer get us some trade agreements, or meet the EU’s deadlines, or safeguard the quality of British food. I’d like to see anyone doing that, honestly.”