Death Star’s new Grand Moff offers the galaxy ‘a renewed hope’

A long time ago, in a gallery far, far away, Darth Sleepijo was admiring some art. A man of deep empathy and compassion, Sleepijo would regularly visit art galleries, read poetry, and even recite the writings of Naboo poet Omar Berenko while force-choking his subordinates. He had great aspirations, having been a Darth for many years, during which time he passed bills to limit the freedoms of minority planets and increase the intergalactic incarceration rate exponentially.

While Darth Sleepijo waited for his chance to really make a difference to the galaxy, to bring his hopeful and empathetic approach to the commandment of the dark side, the cosmos trembled under the tyrannical reign of Grand Moff Grabembythe. His divisive leadership style exacerbated intergalactic tensions, and incited damaging attacks to the Empire from both Rebel and Imperial forces. It was truly a dark time for the dark side.

But at long last, the Death Star is under a new administration. Today, the galaxy witnessed the return of a Galactic Empire that really cares about the planets it destroys, one that will finally cease their blatantly self-serving destructive agenda, in favour of a slightly less blatant self-serving destructive agenda.

The ceremony itself was a smaller affair than usual, but still had plenty of ceremonial performances of the Imperial March, interspersed between some unexpected moments: Figrin D’an and The Modal Nodes arrived, for example, to perform a stirring rendition of ‘This superweapon is my superweapon, this superweapon is your superweapon.’

Sleepijo gave a well-received speech, calling for unity across the Galactic Empire; although, the crowd did pull back when he stated that “Whenever we work together, we do not fail. The Death Star has been through tough times, but it has never, ever, ever, been destroyed. This ship is indestructible.”

But it was Santos Bel-Pak, poet laureate of Kooriva, who gave the most spectacular oratorical performance. Quoted below is some of his piece:

When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
With a rebel force to fight
Can solid Empires be made?
We’ve blazed our way with lazers
Through the planets of betrayers,
Laid waste to traitors in this, our Star of Death;
But are we left with much to bargain with
If the system we are ruling through
Is an instrument of harm?
And yet
We are the best star to light a night sky,
To guide, to provide;
We lead not by the power of example,
But by our towering, ample power.
Water cleanses: let’s keep showering
Unwashed worlds with our Stormtroopers.
Just watch our lightning, brightening the future.
When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
I promise you today,
You’ll find it where our leader’s heart resides;
Our beacon of new hope is shining from the dark side.’

[EDITORS NOTE: Poetry? You know the rules Deery. Report to the courtyard for your lashings at your earliest convenience.]

Conservatives call Margaret Thatcher “the original gangsta” in youth vote bid

In what has been described as a “shallow attempt to woo younger demographics”, the Conservative Party has begun a campaign claiming that Margaret Thatcher was “the original gangsta”.

“What people don’t realise about Maggie T. is that she was the real O.G.,” said E. Tonian MP. “The Iron Lady got up to some real hardcore shit back in the day: she defeated the miners and the Argentinians during her three terms as Prime Minister. She was for real, son: she was as real as it gets.”

A Conservative special advisor echoed Tonian’s comments, stating, “When I think of what a real bad bitch is in the modern world, I don’t think of Harley Quinn or Theresa May, but rather of M. Thizzle. It’s all very well to say ‘fuck tha police’, but I’d say it’s far more gangsta to send in the Met to really fuck up some of those punkass miner biznitches.”

When asked for comment on the campaign, Prime Minister Boris Johnson told The Lampoon’s political correspondent, “I have all the respect for Margaret Thatcher, whose Euroscepticism has been a guiding light to this administration as it struggles with the intractable and overly-bureaucratic European Union. Some would say that her stance against a single currency was a contribution to her downfall, but that same choice helped create the Brexit movement that profits the valiant people of Great Britain today. In my opinion, there’s nothing more gangsta than that.”