Win! Two most insufferable people you know contain themselves by arguing about poppies on Facebook

In a decisive win for your mental health, the two least sufferable people you know have contained themselves by arguing about poppies.

The argument sees your friend who still posts atheist quotes by Ricky Gervais take on fellow intellectual heavyweight, your dad.

Usually, your dad would subject you to his opinions about young people not wearing a poppy whenever you’re dim-witted enough to pick up on FaceTime. Now, he gets to do it with the friend who corners your girlfriend at parties to talk about the Middle East.

During the argument, your friend has been taking the angle that everyone who wears poppies is a Tory with “small dick energy”. This ingenious piece of rhetoric is set to completely stymie your dad, who is about to Google it and end up on a watchlist.

As for The Lampoon, we proudly stand with the old, heroic inmates of Ford Open Prison, who make poppies for less than £10 a week. With no contract, pension or right to organise, they really are the epitome of the Blitz spirit.

Featured image: Pixahive

Confused Johnson announces all poppies after Brexit will be blue

Boris Johnson has today told the House of Commons, the world’s highest maintenance nursing home, that all poppies will be blue after Brexit.

The announcement inspired the ire of Labour leader and your mum’s boring older boyfriend, Keir Starmer.

“I’m incredibly saddened by this policy. I’m told by my spin doctor that ‘sad’ is an emotion, sort of like stubbing your toe but stubbing your brain,” Starmer told reporters.

“Rest assured, your Leader of the Opposition won’t stand idly by. He will stand competently by, and say a lot of cross soundbites.”

“We are the party for peace,” Johnson insisted, “except in regions where it is profitable to be for war.”

“Labour went gallivanting into the Middle East based on half-truths, but not us. We do our lying at home, like patriots.”

“This is the perfect way to pay our respects to British veterans of wars that Britain started.”

Featured image: Financial Times