Sunak supporters brand Chancellor “first fun-sized PM”

Supporters of Rishi Sunak have today embarked on a new strategy to position the Chancellor of the Exchequer as the obvious successor to current Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Supporters have claimed that the MP for Richmond would be “the first travel-sized Prime Minister”.

Many news outlets and the BBC have so far attempted to disguise Sunak’s 5’6” frame with carefully angled photography. The Chancellor’s cabal, however, have begun touting the advantages of having a first among equals who would be the last to know when it was raining.

“The word we would like to associate with Mr Sunak is ‘compact’,” Conservative MP E. Tonian told The Lampoon. “There are, after all, a number of benefits of having such a Lilliputian head of state.”

“Reduced price on airline tickets whenever there are conferences abroad, greater opportunities for storage and, of course, the cuteness factor. I mean, how could anyone vote against that tiny man?”

“Look at him there, in his little suit. You don’t want to make the Prime Minister cry, do you? Imagine how awful you’d feel if you made the tiny Prime Minister cry. Vote Conservative.”

However, not everyone in the Conservative Party has been fully persuaded of the appeal of a Tory Prime Mini-ster. Henry Coningsby, MP for Millbank, stated “I’m well aware of the admirable achievements of famous short men: Danny DeVito, Cayetano Santos Godino, Wolverine.”

“But I cannot in good faith put my support behind a Prime Minister whose official photograph would be mistaken by millions as a child’s first day at big school. More seriously, I’m also troubled by the idea that Sunak would not be able to join other world leaders on a rollercoaster ride.”

According to his supporters, Sunak intends to start his bid for leadership as soon as Boris Johnson is next found to have committed an action unworthy of a Prime Minister.

“It’s a waiting game,” one anonymous source told The Lampoon. “It could be in five minutes. It could be in ten minutes. But, whenever it happens, we’ll be ready to make sure that the Chancellor hasn’t had too many sweets and fizzy pop.”

Featured Image: Pixabay

Outrage as The Times just publish the time

British broadsheet newspaper The Times has found itself in hot water as the pages in the edition published on 6th February 2021 only consisted of the time. The front cover of the famous newspaper simply featured “02:37” in plain block black text which has angered many long time readers.

Sheila Dunningham from Royal Leamington Spa was “devastated” that she wasn’t able to get her daily picture of “Dishy Rishi” but admitted she “liked” that each page featured the times of famous capital cities. “That was a nice touch” she commented, before blabbering on about her grandfather’s globetrotting adventures. (I didn’t ask)

However, most readers found no redeeming factors in the change in format. David Frobisher, a retired lorry driver from Kent, was angry that the time “doesn’t change.” Mr Frobisher recounted his frustrations to The Toon Lampoon. “I was staring at it all day and it just stayed there. It didn’t move! It’s in a 24-hour format as well so it wasn’t even correct at 2:37 this afternoon!”

In Bolsover, Jacqui Sanderson took umbrage with today’s issues “insistence to fill its pages with the times of other nations.” She believes that The Times is a “British paper,” and doesn’t understand why we should worry about the “foreign times we’re being demanded to take interest in.”

Despite disagreements over todays issue, readers of The Times are waiting with bated breath to see what the newspaper will publish tomorrow. Will it return to its original format? Or will the country be treated to a brand new time plastered across the pages of the long-running British institution?

Image: BBC News (UK) on Twitter

Musicians heed Rishi Sunak’s advice and retrain as unemployed

Musicians have agreed with Rishi Sunak’s suggestion that some people working in the creative industry may need to retrain for another job during the pandemic. As such, they have taken advantage of the support the Government had laid on for those working in the arts, and signed up for unemployment benefit.

“It’s the dream of every rock star to quit their job and become an accountant,” Pete Townshend told The Lampoon. “But failing that, it’s quite the thrill being unemployed, and I’m so glad the Government have given me this opportunity.”   

The Lampoon’s risk and finance analyst – a gambling addict the editorial team found on the floor of a local bookies – spoke to Sunak exclusively. Initially, Sunak was somewhat cagey, perhaps unnerved by the ‘home advantage’ of being interviewed in our office.

“Is it normal for an office to be a sex shop?” he asked.

Our analyst insisted it was fine, though it is possible that Sunak didn’t hear him through the gimp suit. Eventually, the Chancellor of the Exchequer became more talkative.

“To be fair, some musicians will be able to weather the storm,” he explained. “Jazz nights have been entirely unaffected by the pandemic, which were socially distanced anyway.”

Eat Out to Help Out sees Spoons app orders of pots of PEAs increase 1000%

After the government’s introduction of the Eat Out to Help Out scheme, scores of highly original practical jokers have taken to ordering hundreds of unwanted items to people’s tables in Wetherspoons. One self-proclaimed ‘student comedian’ said to us “if it’s half the price, it’s double the fun.”

When the ‘Spoons game’ went viral over two years ago, it was regarded by many as the peak of British comedy. Who doesn’t say the ultimate practical joke on a night-out is when someone miles away pays for a small amount of food to be brought to your table, only for it to go uneaten and eventually be thrown away?

Now even the most tight-fisted jokers can join in on the action too, thanks to the new government scheme to get us all out our homes, and into places with cash registers. Now, a pot of peas will set you back just 32p and a glass of milk is only 35p, whereas the tables and pint pots are all free.

However, after the recent surge in useless orders, one member of staff is pleading for the prank to finally come to an end. She said that she once had to clear “so many peas from table 69 it weighed as much as a four stone child.” Our quantitative analyst at The Toon Lampoon estimates that not even the Green Giant himself could carry that.

However, Tim Martin, as ever, has other ideas, and has allegedly been spotted rolling around smushing peas and milk everywhere and making a “really big mess.” We’re not really sure why that would be, but he might be celebrating the literal tens of pounds he is making from all of this.

But what’s your opinion? Should these kings of comedy commemorated with a big old statue, just like Martin was a month back, or should they just be shot at dawn?