Opinion: Valentine’s Day is for friends too, I just don’t have those either

Hi, I’m here to write an opinion piece, because who needs journalism based on facts?

Usually, our editorials take their cues from the press releases BP Oil send us, but today, we’ve been allowed an entire independent thought.

Don’t worry though, we won’t get greedy: too many baseless opinions and we’d have to move continents, to start jobs at The Washington Post.

Here at The Lampoon, we reject the idea that Valentine’s Day should only concern romantic relationships. After all, love can take many forms, like the love a father has for a child, or the love our editors have for Valium.

Moreover, those types of love are permanent. You can’t make them go away, like accusations of forging Valium prescriptions.

It makes sense, then, that the holiday celebrating love should be for all love. Love between friends in particular is sacred and moving, presumably.

As such, the editorial staff at The Lampoon resolves to celebrate friendship just as much as romance, as soon as we experience either.

Featured Image: StockSnap

Newcastle and Northumbria University pair refuse to deny their forbidden love

The Toon Lampoon can exclusively reveal a star-crossed romance between two university students, separated by a five-minute walk and a rivalry unlikely ever to end.

Nikki Nickson spoke out today on the tremendous pressure that hiding her love for Keith Kenrick has placed her under, causing her to become secretive and withdrawn and even making her feel like a stranger in her own university.

“It’s been awful,” said Nickson, an eighteen-year-old Biomedical undergraduate at Newcastle University. “I thought, you know, when it started out, that it wouldn’t matter to anyone. But you hear people saying stuff – you hear what they really think – and it lets you know you can’t afford to be honest about the relationship.”

Nikki met Keith, 79, at a pub in the city centre, shortly after beginning her undergraduate education. “I don’t actually remember our first meeting,” she told The Lampoon’s human interest and sexual scandals correspondent. “All I know is from that one fateful night during Freshers Week, we began our journey together.”

Kenrick, a PhD student studying political fiction at Northumbria University, said that he’s not surprised by the resistance to their love. “People are never accepting of different people being together; it’s just where they look that’s changed. Fifty years ago, these people wouldn’t be happy to see a black man stepping out with a white woman, and this, to my mind, is the exact same kind of discrimination.”

Even in the brief period following the revelation, friends of the couple have registered their distaste at a love that has somehow overcome a 0.3-mile gulf. “I can’t get my head around it,” said one anonymous source, while another stated, “This shouldn’t be allowed.”

Even Kenrick’s sister, when reached for comment, made her own feelings on her brother’s Shakespearean romance clear. “He’s always been like this. Personally, I think it’s disgusting, and I just hope that poor girl comes to her senses.”

Undaunted by the criticism, however, Nikki and Keith are determined to live their lives out in the open, refusing to hide their feelings for each other in the face of this inter-academia feud.