Liz Truss declares war on Ukraine

Following a series of intense negotiations with Russian diplomats, Foreign Secretary Liz Truss officially declared war on Ukraine.

Speaking to The Toon Lampoon’s Meme Correspondent, Liz Truss explained her motivations for what many in the Foreign Office have described as, “Wait, Jesus Christ, what?”

“It has become clear, after a frank exchange of views with my Russian counterpart, that Vladimir Putin is thoroughly in the right on this issue,” Truss stated. “The Ukraine is currently in possession of Ukrainian territory, in open defiance of the wishes of Russia. This is a disgrace.”

“By defending Russian interests, not only will we deepen the ties of friendship between our countries, but we might also not need to give back the £2.3 million that they donated to the Conservative Party.”

The Foreign Secretary’s announcement has been hailed as a triumph by different sectors of the British political scene. The Prime Minister today acknowledged the “sterling work” that Liz Truss had done in distracting everyone from the topic of Christmas parties. Meanwhile, Nadine Dorries, glassy-eyed and tottering, explained how Ukraine had only existed for ten years, to what would later turn out to be a marble bust of Disraeli.

The left-wing Stop The War Coalition also applauded the Foreign Secretary’s actions, with a spokesman describing the move as “a much-needed rebuke to the international terrorist organisation known as NATO” before his mother called him in to finish his GCSE coursework.

Featured image: Flickr

Prince Michael of Kent throws in night with Big Suze on top of access to Putin administration

The dullest-named member of the royal family has come under fire for allegedly selling access to members of the Putin government to executives from a South Korean gold investment business.

To sweeten the deal, Prince Michael reportedly put a night with Big Suze, a fictional character played by the prince’s daughter, Sophie Winkleman, on the table. Or, as Prince Michael reassured the executives, on the bed, on the floor, or on a towel by the door.

A spokesperson for the British Government offered a brief statement on the developing story: “Vladimir Putin’s administration has been named as the number one threat to this country, and Big Suze is part of a show that forms a portion of Britain’s national consciousness. Both elements of this deal are equally troubling.

“The idea that a prince of the realm would whore his wrinkled arse out for £50,000 is certainly a difficult truth to come to terms with. I don’t mind saying that the royal family considers this the most embarrassing incident to have happened in over a decade.”

This is not the first time that Prince Michael has faced criticism for his methods of seeking financial gain. He received payments totalling £320,000 from exiled Russian oligarch, Boris Berezovsky, from 2002-2008, and made unknown figures from his numerous celebrity appearances as Captain Birdseye.

Prince Andrew’s whereabouts, at this time, are still unknown.

Image source: Flickr

Russian bots DDoS attack NUSU servers in order to stop Metro Kieran

Breaking news as Newcastle University Students Unions website goes down mere hours before the deadline for voting in highly suspicious circumstances with the battle for the role of Commuting Students’ Officer finding itself at the centre of this story.

From our expertly conducted exit polls, it appears that the recent rise in popularity of the social media RON (Re-open nominations) campaign against Metro Kieran has translated into dedicated students turning out in their numbers. This seemed to have pushed RON ahead by a slim margin.

However, our experts were predicting a rise in last-minute votes for Metro Kieran. These late votes mostly coming from his partially invested close friends who haven’t voted yet and last-minute voters who haven’t read manifestos but after seeing only one person running for a role, will vote them in.

In order to stop these last-minute voters and sway the election, insider reports suggest Russian bots are behind the DDoS attacks on NUSU’s servers. This signifies yet another instance of elections being influenced by other countries to pervert democracy.

This comes after Metro Kieran’s latest Facebook update where he accuses the RON campaign of being a ‘guerrilla Russian-made troll propaganda campaign.’ If Metro Kieran is right, then it would make sense the people behind the RON campaign are also behind this cyber-attack. However, here at The Toon Lampoon we are devoted to being completely unbiased and truthful, so we instead propose that the RON campaign is run by NFL superstar Tom Brady who is bored after winning yet another Super Bowl.  

We reached out to Metro Kieran for comment who has confirmed there has been two separate DDoS attacks on the NUSU website. He claims ‘these last-minute efforts are a clear attempt at gerrymandering the votes in favour of the preferred candidates that would keep the systemic bias lurking under the surface of NUSU’. He is also worried about the reports of Russian involvement and believes a full investigation should take place to see if there are any links between the RON campaign and Russian oligarchs.

NUSU has extended the deadline for voting now to 4 pm in order to stop any undemocratic swaying in this election giving you all an opportunity to keep voting. We eagerly await the results.

Vladimir Putin announced as 46th president of the United States

Bare-chested, wielding the severed head of a Kamchatka brown bear, mounted on the back of a steroid-fuelled Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin entered the White House today to accept his new position as president of the United States.

Pro-Trump supporters, surprisingly, were taken back to see Trump and Putin cooperating. As the couple approached the White House steps, crowds stopped in stunned silence, watching Donald clear the steps with Trump™ polish and laying out a Trump™ blanket to soothe Putin’s feet. 

Trump stood in front of the White House and announced “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new president. He’s going to be – you know this – he’s going to be the greatest president this country has ever seen. I’ve always said Russia, Russia, Russia. Me and Vlad go way back. I support him, bigly. He’s going to do a wonderful job.”

Despite the difficulty of the new situation, Trump’s crowd were quick to realign themselves with their orange president’s new allegiance. One particularly quick man shouted: “It’s about time! If there’s one thing I’ve always said this country needed to make it great again, it’s communists.”

What followed was a shaky attempt at improvising the Russian national anthem, which very few members of the crowd knew, but all attempted to demonstrate a passionate attachment to.

Putin then drop-kicked the bear’s decapitated head into the crowd, who devoured it with the same fervour they usually only reserved for screaming in the ears of low-paid young supermarket workers attempting to enforce shop health policy.

Putin commenced his speech: “I would like to thank the entire public of the United States for voting for me unanimously. I applied very late into the process, because I feared you Americans would not be ready for a strong, masculine leader after four years of this orange pussy imbecile, but I figured that if Kanye West could make a presidential bid after the application deadline, so could I.”

“I would like to thank the US postal service for ensuring that American democracy was protected by eliminating all potential Russian ballots from the count. The one vote that was counted, in the end, I believe speaks for the entire nation.”

After a lengthy ceremony, during which Putin sacrificed Donald Trump to Mark Zuckerberg, The Arbiter of Truth, he was lifted up by the crowd, carried into the White house, and sworn in as the 46th president of the United States.