Breaking: The Toon Lampoon staff have better things to do than just write satire for you

In a statement screamed at a trembling intern with a notebook, the Toon Lampoon editorial team confirmed the growing rumours that they had lives, loved ones, and hobbies.

“We simply cannot fathom the arrogance and lack of self-reflection of our reader base, who seem to believe we have nothing better to do than create middling satire for their mild amusement,” said Editor Joe Molander, shaking the weeping intern by the jacket lapels.

“We’ve been extremely clean on our publishing schedule, which is ‘when we want, when we say’. If that’s good enough for us, which it damn sure is, then it should be enough for the wheezing incompetents that it’s our fate to call ‘readers’.”

This is not the first time that a light has been shone on the lives of the Toon Lampoon staff outside of satire’s dank cocoon. Writer David Spain has been placed in satirist-mandated rehab following the reveal of his addiction to water on three separate occasions.

Another writer, Jon Deery, has been charged of demanding money with menaces or, as he described it, formally requesting a pay review.

“With all of these many and diverse activities, it is frankly inhumane that our readers can apparently expect a continuous output,” stated Molander, felling the luckless intern with a crane kick.

“Whether it’s our services to the arts, our highly decadent heroin buffets, or our work being used in the deposition of the CEO of MyPillow, we all have a world outside of the windows of this ramshackle sex shop, dusty and glazed with unspeakable humours though they may be.”

Death Star’s new Grand Moff offers the galaxy ‘a renewed hope’

A long time ago, in a gallery far, far away, Darth Sleepijo was admiring some art. A man of deep empathy and compassion, Sleepijo would regularly visit art galleries, read poetry, and even recite the writings of Naboo poet Omar Berenko while force-choking his subordinates. He had great aspirations, having been a Darth for many years, during which time he passed bills to limit the freedoms of minority planets and increase the intergalactic incarceration rate exponentially.

While Darth Sleepijo waited for his chance to really make a difference to the galaxy, to bring his hopeful and empathetic approach to the commandment of the dark side, the cosmos trembled under the tyrannical reign of Grand Moff Grabembythe. His divisive leadership style exacerbated intergalactic tensions, and incited damaging attacks to the Empire from both Rebel and Imperial forces. It was truly a dark time for the dark side.

But at long last, the Death Star is under a new administration. Today, the galaxy witnessed the return of a Galactic Empire that really cares about the planets it destroys, one that will finally cease their blatantly self-serving destructive agenda, in favour of a slightly less blatant self-serving destructive agenda.

The ceremony itself was a smaller affair than usual, but still had plenty of ceremonial performances of the Imperial March, interspersed between some unexpected moments: Figrin D’an and The Modal Nodes arrived, for example, to perform a stirring rendition of ‘This superweapon is my superweapon, this superweapon is your superweapon.’

Sleepijo gave a well-received speech, calling for unity across the Galactic Empire; although, the crowd did pull back when he stated that “Whenever we work together, we do not fail. The Death Star has been through tough times, but it has never, ever, ever, been destroyed. This ship is indestructible.”

But it was Santos Bel-Pak, poet laureate of Kooriva, who gave the most spectacular oratorical performance. Quoted below is some of his piece:

When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
With a rebel force to fight
Can solid Empires be made?
We’ve blazed our way with lazers
Through the planets of betrayers,
Laid waste to traitors in this, our Star of Death;
But are we left with much to bargain with
If the system we are ruling through
Is an instrument of harm?
And yet
We are the best star to light a night sky,
To guide, to provide;
We lead not by the power of example,
But by our towering, ample power.
Water cleanses: let’s keep showering
Unwashed worlds with our Stormtroopers.
Just watch our lightning, brightening the future.
When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
I promise you today,
You’ll find it where our leader’s heart resides;
Our beacon of new hope is shining from the dark side.’

[EDITORS NOTE: Poetry? You know the rules Deery. Report to the courtyard for your lashings at your earliest convenience.]

Eight films that don’t live up to their title

Like many other unemployed young people, much of my lockdown has been spent working my way through Netflix’s vast treasure trove. Quite soon, though, I realised that the on-demand service really excels at one thing: lying. Here are eight films that really deceived me.

Reservoir Dogs

Maybe expecting aquatic pugs and swimming cockapoos was a bit too much, but surely a labrador wouldn’t have been too hard to get? The closest Tarantino gets to a dog is the multiple cries of “bitch”, and pools of blood don’t seem like a very good substitute for reservoirs to me. Disappointing.

Up

Dodgy characters, the whole lot.

Instead of a heart-warming story about a young boy overcoming his erectile dysfunction, I was instead faced with a load of bollocks about balloons?

Harry Potter

As a lifelong collector of Byzantine vases, I was very excited for a whole franchise detailing the life of an enthusiastic young potter. Imagine my disappointment when I sat through all eight films and was yet to discover a single mention of modern ceramic techniques! Admittedly some of the crockery used in the Great Hall shows a great eye for design, but overall the film evidently just used the “potter” reference in the title to lure in eager ceramics enthusiastic. Appalling!

White Chicks

They really aren’t.

Shrek 2

The first Shrek film was exceptional and its title in no way deceived me. The second instalment, however, has shown me just how treacherous DreamWorks really is! I had eagerly anticipated the return of Donkey, Fiona and the gang, but picture my disappointment when the film only featured one Shrek and not the two that the title promised.

Notting Hill

Largely unfamiliar with London, I was looking forward to educating myself on one of the capital’s hippest districts. This is not a David Attenborough documentary – why on Earth does it feature so many lewd references?! Disgusting. Many recent “geographical” documentaries have similarly let me down – Australia and Madagascar to name a couple.

Free Willy

File under “False Advertisement”

Nope.

Pretty Woman

Julia Robert doesn’t really suit a blonde bob.

Rah shocked to discover money doesn’t grow on trees

A student from the home counties has been forced to make actual career plans after the shocking discovery that money doesn’t grow on trees.

Student Elle Woods made the distressing revelation during a meeting with her personal tutor.

“My tutor asked me what my plans for the future were,” recounts Elle, still visibly shaking. “After telling him I wanted to be just like one of the Kardashians, or Paris Hilton if things go tits up, he asked how I could sustain such an extravagant lifestyle.”

“My sugar daddy doesn’t have many more years left in him, and my real daddy threatened to cut me off after I made a friend from Bradford. I said I would just go farm some money trees – we probably have some on our Cheltenham estate – and my tutor told me the truth.”

It is believed that Elle had made an honest mistake, having never visited a farm before, telling The Lampoon she’s “not a peasant”.

The Lampoon doesn’t know what it’s more surprised by: how disillusioned rahs are, or the fact that someone actually had a personal tutor meeting.

“That’s not milk”: Agric’s first time on a farm ends in sticky surprise

Hilarity ensued after a first year Agriculture student made an udderly brilliant blunder during a field trip to a farm.

The student, known only as MacDonald, was involved in an unfortunate mix-up which left him bringing a cow to ejaculation rather than to lactation.

“It didn’t taste too bad but I don’t think I’ll be having it on my Weetabix anytime soon,” laughed MacDonald, ever the joker. “That being said, I wouldn’t put it past the catering at Leazes.”

MacDonald is excited to finally tick this one off his bucket list and looks forward to being able to one-up the lads during Never Have I Ever.

His father was delighted to hear the news, saying: “He’d been thinking about studying in Cardiff, so me and the missus were worried he was a sheep-shagger. This is quite a relief in comparison, as you can imagine.”