St James’ Park pre-emptively installed with ‘glory hunting twats’ stand

Fans have spotted a ‘glory hunting twats’ stand being installed at St James’ Park, a struggling community centre in the north east of England.

This follows the acquisition of Newcastle United Football Club by Saudi Arabia, the world’s least sexually liberated sugar daddy.

A spokesperson for the club swam through piles of money being dumped in the room by industrial diggers to speak to The Lampoon.

“This exciting new extension is to get ahead of the changes we expect to see at the club over the next few years. Namely, improving the reputation of one of the worst human rights abusers on Earth, and Newcastle supporters getting called fake fans in eighteen months by Man City fans.”

“We can’t wait for this new stand to attract hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers, and maybe three ticket sales.”

“That’s what this is about: community,” she explained, before spitting out several £50 notes.

Image: CFTV Stadiums, YouTube

“Slight mix-up” as Saudi government bombs St. James’ Park and buys Yemen

The Saudi Arabian government has today accepted the blame for a historic mistake after they accidentally bombed St. James’ Park, the home of Newcastle United. This came after it was announced that the Saudi-led takeover of Newcastle’s football team had fell through.

Speaking on the accidental bombing campaign, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has claimed “there was a slight mix-up on our part, I’ll be the first to admit that. You guys know how these things go.”  

Citizens of Newcastle are bewildered with the latest development in the takeover saga. One local man, Neil Waylike, told The Lampoon he’s “devastated. Absolutely devastated. I know the takeover didn’t go through, but this is a bit much like. In fact, we’re in an even worse situation than we were before. Heartbroken man. I’m heartbroken.”

Even more bewildered at the news are the citizens of Yemen. One man from the Yemeni capital of Sana’a, who wished to remain anonymous, told local press that “the mood here is weird at the moment. On the positive side, due to the Saudi investment, we’re now favourites for the 2022 World Cup. That’s pretty good I suppose.”

The Lampoon has journalists on the ground in Newcastle, ready to bring our readers any further twists in the takeover saga.

Journalists in 2050 insisting Newcastle United takeover imminent

This report has been sent to us from thirty years in the future, which means The Lampoon will run at least thirty years longer than expected.

In a stunning turn of events, recent leaks to The Lampoon suggest news of a potential Saudi takeover of Newcastle United could be imminent.

Representatives from the Saudi sovereign wealth fund began their attempt to remove from ownership sports tycoon and Victorian workhouse aficionado Mike Ashley in January 2019. Now, only 1656 weeks later, recent rumours have led some fans to believe that the wait may be over.

The main issue with the takeover is the political rivalry between the Saudis and the Qataris, specifically involving issues around TV rights and piracy. “When I took this job I thought I was just box ticking,” says Premier League representative D. Runkard. “But instead, I’m having to sort out Gulf state conflicts. Who knew the Middle East was so complicated?”

The other main stumbling block behind the Newcastle takeover is that for the past 18 years, communications from Mike Ashley have dried up. “He certainly has been playing hardball with us,” an unnamed Saudi representative told The Lampoon. “But I suppose that’s to be expected when one party in the negotiations has been dead for 18 years.”