Mad scientist sues preeminent satire publication for anti-neurodiverse language

Following an article detailing his plans to implant the false memories of workplace sexual harassment into the brains of baby tigers, Professor Von Klownkoch has announced his intention to take legal action against The Toon Lampoon for what he has termed “offensive language that discriminates against him as a non-neurotypical individual”.

After the North East’s premier satire publication departed from its usual milieu of biting social commentary to instead denounce Professor Klownkoch’s latest entry into the journals of scientific infamy, the once-Head of Applied Sciences at Newcastle University-turned-dangerously unstable madman launched an all-out assault on the august journalism institution.

The scientist, who first rose to dubious prominence after grafting a dolphin’s anus onto an elderly man’s face, told The Lampoon’s legal representative, “The language used to describe me has been deliberately chosen with the intent to demonise and marginalise those who do not conform to neurotypical classification, and I am not prepared to accept it. I am a scientist, and that is how I will be described. Deliberately highlighting any psychological feature, whether accurate or otherwise, is discriminatory gutter journalism.”

The Lampoon would like to take this opportunity to apologise for referring to Professor Klownkoch, who has also received notice for such feats as teaching penguins to be paedophiles and stabbing a gibbon in the face, as “unbalanced”. We shall strive to do better in the future.

Every reality where Princess Diana survived “even worse than this one”

Scientists have confirmed, after considerable research, that every existing or hypothetical universe in which Princess Diana is still alive is in a far worse state than our own.

“It’s uncanny,” Professor Melvin Richards, Head of Applied Sciences at Newcastle University, told The Lampoon. “We’ve run every simulation we could think of – tried every potential situation in which Diana doesn’t die in the Pont de l’Alma tunnel – and it’s always the same thing, or near enough.” When pressed for details, Richards simply replied, “Hell.”

The Princess of Wales died in a collision on August 31st 1997, a date which scientists have now come to view as a convergence point between an untold number of alternate realities and our own. The deciding factor, Richards’ latest research paper hypothesises, is whether or not Princess Diana survives the impact.

“I really wish I could be less upfront about this,” Richards told our reporter, “but it really does boil down to ‘Diana Alive: a nightmarescape of dread and untold suffering; Diana dead: the admittedly pretty lousy reality we currently inhabit’. We’ve seen things you can’t possibly imagine. You think Trump and Johnson are bad? Because let me tell you, every breath Princess Diana takes condemns her subjects to wailing and gnashing of teeth. About eighty per cent of the Alter-Dianas we’ve seen have views on ethnic minorities that would make Nigel Farage blush, and don’t get me started on the bionic versions. On the upside, I don’t think there’s a universe we’ve run the numbers on in which she hasn’t gelded Prince Andrew with a pair of rusty shears.”

Whether or not the Princess of Wales was aware of the central role that she played in the direction our world has not yet been established. “She damn sure knows in some of those realities,” Richards asserted. “Let’s just say that it’s apparent from her performance.  Personally, I think there’s a case to be made for her being gifted with some foreknowledge of her…particular circumstances. You know: some Donnie Darko-type shit. People didn’t think it was an accident at the time; maybe we were all just wrong about who’d planned it.”

Sharks starve as local idiots die of COVID-19 instead of going surfing

A representative from the San Francisco Shark Association appealed on Thursday night for idiots to avoid dying of COVID-19, claiming that without them resident sharks would go hungry. Mr Carcharodon said food poverty among shark families was dramatically increasing as local idiots were dying of COVID-19 instead of going surfing.

Local idiots are a crucial source of protein for sharks, and should be eaten at least once a week as part of a healthy diet, according to figures published by Newcastle University’s Marine Dietary Specialists Department. Local idiots mimic the appearance of seals by wearing wetsuits and swimming in close proximity to seal colonies, making them excellent targets for sharks.

Mr White claimed that there is a correlation between these “reckless surfer types” and those who refuse to wear a mask. One local idiot The Lampoon interviewed also complained about wearing shark-proof chainmail, saying his “right to swim naked” was being compromised. Shortly after the interview took place he lost his right leg to a hammerhead.

In contrast, the shark community has taken the pandemic very seriously, with most individuals observing social distancing and choosing to wear a mask.

Luckily the plight of the sharks has been championed by other animal rights groups. A group of 40 koalas held a charity BBQ and completed a hot coals walk to raise money for the starving sharks. Mr White, a representative from the shark community, thanked the koalas for their efforts.

Newcastle University Biomedical department creates hideous animal/human underclass

In a statement to staff and the student body earlier today, a representative of Newcastle University’s Biomedical Sciences department confirmed rumours that they were responsible for producing a hellish mix of beast and man.

Addressing the assembled listeners, Professor Steven S. Samuels admitted that his department had funnelled the majority of their budget into the secretive “Project Montgomery”. This project, he revealed, was the use of vivisection and genetic engineering techniques to create a hybrid species of human being and animal.

“We are, of course, aware that there has been much speculation on our work,” the Professor stated. “That is why we would like to publicly set the record straight. Yes: we have created these hybrids. We have done this for the sake of science and advancement. One day, I believe, the world will thank us for daring to uplift the natural order.”

The Lampoon’s science correspondent requested to see some of the hybrid creatures, but was told that any access to the outside world had to be strictly limited. “These are my children, and I feel a bond with them as any father does with his offspring,” Professor Samuels told The Lampoon. “But that does not change the fact that they have the potential to be dangerous. Half of their nature belongs to the wildness of the forest and jungle, while the other half is possessed with all the cruelty and base cunning of man: the most dangerous creature in the world.”

The university’s Research Ethics Committee did raise concerns at not being consulted on this project, stating that they had received no warning of the department’s efforts, nor the Online Ethics Form required for ethical approval. Professor Samuels, however, assured our correspondent that the Ethics Committee should have no cause for alarm.

“My children have been taught the law,” Samuels stated. “They know not to go on all fours, to eat fish or flesh, or to chase other men, and they know to break the Law means to be taken to the House of Pain.”

The Professor went on to say that what he now wanted for his hybrids was that they should grow and learn away from society and those that would not understand them.

“The outside world would not treat them kindly. Here, they are fed pasties from Greggs to make them strong, and we can make sure they don’t get their hands on any of MarxSoc’s communist literature. Believe me: that’s the one thing that we don’t want to happen.”

The hidden origin behind your favourite Busted song…

Fans of Essex rock band ‘Busted’ and Biology nerds alike have recently been in uproar over the band’s original lyrics for their 2002 hit song ‘Year 3000’ from their debut album ‘Busted’.

This comes as James Bourne, the original writer of the track, recently came forward with a tweet saying “I’d feel awful if fans never knew the true origins of arguably our most popular song” and went on to release an in depth analysis of the original lyrics.

The aforementioned tweet.

As it turns out, the song was based on an Evolutionary Biology (BSc) students’ dissertation, ‘Adaptive Growth in the Digits of Land Mammals’ – the writer of which was a family friend of Bourne. The scientific paper claimed that in the centuries to come, human hands would develop in such a way that fingers would become much longer, perhaps so we could use our phones more efficiently. Or something along those lines. Such emotive imagery inspired Bourne to write the following lyrics:

He said, “I’ve been to the year 3000

Not much as changed but our fingers are longer

And your great, great, great granddaughter

Has pretty long fingers”

Year 3000 – Busted

The bands producer (Steve Robson) at the time supposedly claimed this evolutionary development theory was potentially too scientifically intimidating for the target audience, and was switched out for something that more suited the band’s light-hearted and flirtatious energy.

Eagle-eyed fans will have picked up on the band’s subtle nod to the original lyrics in their music video, where all the band members’ long fingers are on full display.