Chris Day asks “What’s the worst someone could do with your full name and address?”

Newcastle University Vice Chancellor Chris Day reassured students today by asking, “What’s the worst that can happen?”

“The only thing these cyber criminals are holding to ransom is your personal data, and no harm’s ever come from that being leaked.”

He added, “Rest assured our IT people are working as fast as they can on solving the problem, substantially slower than the IT criminals are creating the problem.”

For those not in the know, Newcastle University was recently hit by a cyber attack. The criminal organisation responsible may or may not have links to a group that is literally called Evil Corp.

Living in a spy film is less fun than you might imagine, especially a badly written one.

The Lampoon’s job is to write stuff that’s too ridiculous to believe, which is getting more and more difficult. By current projections, we’ll be out of business in twelve minutes.

In our office – a sex dungeon in the city centre – we’ve had to install a spinning game show wheel full of unlikely circumstances. The idea is you spin the wheel twice and then try and connect them with whatever verb sounds the funniest. 

Last year, we were spitballing ideas while the dominatrices with whom we hotdesk were spitroasting us. The wheel had landed on “global pandemic” and “cyber attack”, but we ruled both out for being too far-fetched, particularly within months of each other.

More follows. God knows what, and how horrific, but if there’s one thing we can count on, it’s that more is coming.

The headline for this article was written by Muslim Taseer. In an ideal world, I’d be good enough at WordPress to list the article as having multiple authors, but what part of the world seems ideal to you?

Woman forced to read man’s fucking life story to get muffins recipe

I’ve always loved satire articles. When I was a boy in Sicily, my grandma used to make satire articles for our entire family.

Today, most satire articles are store-brought from satire chains, which I always find disheartening. Sure, it’s easier to get your snarky jabs at Boris Johnson from a big multinational satire company, but ask yourself: is it cheaper? The answer is no. At The Lampoon, we pride ourselves on how cheap our jokes are.

That’s why we make our spoofs, hot takes, and not-so-subtle digs from scratch, every day. A small, dedicated team, we’re proud to call ourselves a local business. We operate out of a sex shop right in the city centre, where we hot-desk with a BDSM dominatrix, just like grandma did.

Okay, now on with the article.

*Clears throat*

A local man inspired the ire of bakers everywhere today by putting too much emphasis on CHARACTER LIMIT EXCEEDED