Shell executives blame worsening climate change on “public’s inhuman lust for oil”

The oil company Shell today released a statement laying the blame for the increasingly severe effects of climate change at the feet of what they described as “our loyal and valued customer base”.

The memo, received by The Toon Lampoon this morning, stated the belief that climate change would “not be nearly so advanced” had human society “had the moral strength and fortitude to wean itself from Mother Earth’s oil-dripping teat”.

“It is astonishing,” the memo went on to say, “that the planet has been content to let its desire, nay, its monstrous appetite for oil force us to mine and drill the very planet that we call home for its slick, black sustenance. For decades now, we have been forced to stand by, hands figuratively tied, as the human race has pressed its filthy, bloodstained money onto us in return for our unquestioning collaboration in its mission to poison the very air we breathe.”

Shell was one of several major oil companies to admit the role that it had played in the current climate crisis, though the organisation insists that full responsibility rests upon the shoulders of its consumers.

“It’s supply and demand, nothing more,” the memo concluded. “In one powerful, overwhelming roar, the people of the world have demanded oil. And we, we unhappy few, have been fated by either birth, or position, or CV application, to supply our fellow man with the devil’s own black, poisonous piss. We condemn the climate crisis and we condemn those who have caused it: ordinary human beings like yourselves.”