Dead gran “happy to help” unattractive grandson receive sympathy handjob

Doris Smike (82, deceased) has confirmed that she’s “perfectly fine” for her grandson, Gary Smike (23) to repetitively post memorials to her on social media in the hopes that one of his Facebook friends will offer to pleasure him out of pity.

“He’s such a lovely boy,” Doris told The Toon Lampoon’s High Priest, her sepulchral tones emanating from a faint column of light. “He’s just never had much luck with the girls, poor thing. I’m really grateful that I can lend a hand.”

Gary Smike has, at the last count, posted 67 Facebook posts dedicated to his grandmother’s memory since her passing last Friday. The content varies from post to post, ranging from aphorisms about the afterlife, to inaccurate memories of time that he spent with his grandma, to pictures of Doris sent via WhatsApp from his grieving mother.

“Results have been varied,” Smike told our reporter. “A lot of people have offered their sympathies and emotional support, which is always easy in this situation. There have been some successes, though: two days ago, a photograph of Gran holding me when I’d just been born opened the door to me receiving a below-average blowjob.”

“I had to pretend to cry a bit in person, just to close the deal, but I knew that it was on the cards when the mark commented on the post to ask if there was anything she could do.”

Doris assured The Lampoon that she couldn’t be more thrilled, watching from behind the insubstantial curtain concealing eternity from the mortal plane, to see her grandson receiving ungainly fellatio.

“He’s really put the work in,” Doris said, “and it was wonderful to watch him reap the rewards. I can honestly say, I’ve never been closer to my little Gary.”

Featured image: Flickr

Breaking: cancelled people actually erased from history

The Toon Lampoon can reveal that people who are cancelled by people on Twitter are actually sent into the purgatorial abyss between dimensions, and all trace of them is erased from history.

We reached out to find someone who had been cancelled, but couldn’t find anyone, because they never existed in the first place.

An artist’s impression of what the interdimensional abyss might look like

It appears that millions have been wiped from existence in recent years with the rise of ‘cancel culture’.

Author of the famous Harry Potter series, Daniel Radcliffe, told The Lampoon “Thank god I haven’t been cancelled, I’ve heard that transphobia and racism can literally wipe you from this dimensional plane”.

This journalist can agree. Being utterly expunged from history seems pretty bad, but at least it’s not simply being called out for bigoted views and continuing to be able to speak out and have massive wealth.

That would be a real nightmare.