Death Star’s new Grand Moff offers the galaxy ‘a renewed hope’

A long time ago, in a gallery far, far away, Darth Sleepijo was admiring some art. A man of deep empathy and compassion, Sleepijo would regularly visit art galleries, read poetry, and even recite the writings of Naboo poet Omar Berenko while force-choking his subordinates. He had great aspirations, having been a Darth for many years, during which time he passed bills to limit the freedoms of minority planets and increase the intergalactic incarceration rate exponentially.

While Darth Sleepijo waited for his chance to really make a difference to the galaxy, to bring his hopeful and empathetic approach to the commandment of the dark side, the cosmos trembled under the tyrannical reign of Grand Moff Grabembythe. His divisive leadership style exacerbated intergalactic tensions, and incited damaging attacks to the Empire from both Rebel and Imperial forces. It was truly a dark time for the dark side.

But at long last, the Death Star is under a new administration. Today, the galaxy witnessed the return of a Galactic Empire that really cares about the planets it destroys, one that will finally cease their blatantly self-serving destructive agenda, in favour of a slightly less blatant self-serving destructive agenda.

The ceremony itself was a smaller affair than usual, but still had plenty of ceremonial performances of the Imperial March, interspersed between some unexpected moments: Figrin D’an and The Modal Nodes arrived, for example, to perform a stirring rendition of ‘This superweapon is my superweapon, this superweapon is your superweapon.’

Sleepijo gave a well-received speech, calling for unity across the Galactic Empire; although, the crowd did pull back when he stated that “Whenever we work together, we do not fail. The Death Star has been through tough times, but it has never, ever, ever, been destroyed. This ship is indestructible.”

But it was Santos Bel-Pak, poet laureate of Kooriva, who gave the most spectacular oratorical performance. Quoted below is some of his piece:

When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
With a rebel force to fight
Can solid Empires be made?
We’ve blazed our way with lazers
Through the planets of betrayers,
Laid waste to traitors in this, our Star of Death;
But are we left with much to bargain with
If the system we are ruling through
Is an instrument of harm?
And yet
We are the best star to light a night sky,
To guide, to provide;
We lead not by the power of example,
But by our towering, ample power.
Water cleanses: let’s keep showering
Unwashed worlds with our Stormtroopers.
Just watch our lightning, brightening the future.
When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
I promise you today,
You’ll find it where our leader’s heart resides;
Our beacon of new hope is shining from the dark side.’

[EDITORS NOTE: Poetry? You know the rules Deery. Report to the courtyard for your lashings at your earliest convenience.]

Disney preview 100+ new projects in new announcement

Following the success of season 2 of The Mandalorian, Disney have commissioned a further twenty-seven series in the Star Wars universe for Disney+. This announcement arrives alongide nearly one-hundred other new projects from various Disney properties that will release over the next decade.

One of the new Star Wars series will be an anthology that follows a multitude of racially stereotyping characters from the prequels. Another will chronicle the rise and fall of Elan Sleazebaggano, the shady bloke who tries to sell death sticks to Obi-Wan in Attack of the Clones (2002). Perhaps most exciting of all is Yoda Returns – which will follow Yoda somehow returning to life in extremely unlikely circumstances following his death in Return of the Jedi (1983).

The Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has also grown significantly with the new announcements. Fan-favourite characters like Hindsight Lad, Asbestos Lady and Doctor Bong (all real characters, look it up) will all get their own feature film. Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige has already confirmed that there will be “plenty of epic scenes where all the female characters happen to appear at the same time” across the new projects.

It is believed that six of the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White (1937) will have their own limited series coming 2024. Sleepy, due to his untimely death, has not signed on for his own series – but rumours are aswirl that he may make a CGI appreance in Grumpy’s show. The Magic Mirror has refused to comment on if it will appear in any of the series.

Along with a multitude of animated features, Disney have announced a live-aciton ‘reimagining’ of Finding Nemo (2003). Casting includes Matt Damon as Marlin, Angelina Jolie as Dory, Jason Momoa as Bruce, and the kid from Stranger Things as Nemo. Minimal CGI will be used, with director Tom Hooper going for a “organic” approach.

The first of the new Disney+ projects will roll out this summer. Cars 2: 2, a sequel to the second Cars film, is due to arrive in early June. Law-Abiding Citizens of the Caribbean, a Pirates of the Caribbean spin-off starring Steve Buscemi, will arrive shortly after in July.