A student at Newcastle University has been left “reeling” after a scathing assault following her return from her term abroad. The assault has since been labelled a hate crime.
Rosamund Arabella Humphreys, 21, of Royal Tunbridge Wells, was viciously attacked by a so-called friend (who cannot be named for legal reasons) in the early afternoon of 29 December.
Rosamund, who studies French & Philosophy, was in the process of moving back into her flat for the new year in West Jesmond when the verbal tirade occured. Her assailant greeted her, allegedly asking “How was being an immigrant for a term then?”.
Rosamund is white. Thankfully she survived this devastating attack and called 999 to her address before losing consciousness. The assailant was denied bail and will remain in custody until the trial.
A local middle class person informed this reporter, “As you know, if you’re not a person of colour then you’re physically incapable of being an ‘immigrant’ and to refer to someone as such is equal to slashing at them with a knife.”
“The only people who are ‘immigrants’ are the ones towards the bad end of Border Force’s Dulux charts. White people are only ever ‘expats’, since being an immigrant is a dirty thing.”
As if this year couldn’t get any more disturbing, it has been revealed that student couples are actually using online recorded lectures as saucy additions to their sex playlists.
Often lulled to sleep during in-person classes, it is no surprise that lectures have managed to make their way into the bedroom. However, instead of being used as a late-night podcast, a number of online lecturers have instead been joining the likes of Barry White and the Backstreet Boys in promoting bouncing bedroom antics.
Particular subjects that have been accused of increasing its student’s sex drives are Biology and Spanish, with talks of stamen and biblioteca teaching something new and bold.
Our sex and relationships expert has confirmed this is now a thing after hearing it through the thin walls of their own student house. They commented about their surprise of Marvin Gaye turning into a lecture about vacuums and also their regret about living with a horny Physics student.
However, it’s not all doom and gloom, with 5 in 10 students claiming that they now have a better grasp of lecture material and think they “can really ace that next assignment”. This too has been confirmed by our sex and relationships expert, who says that deep stimulation works well for implanting memories, which also explains why they can’t stop talking about vacuums.
So, next time your lecturer asks you to turn on your camera, make sure you protest against that move because you can’t be too sure of what you’ll really be turning on.
When you first come to university, it’s only natural to want to reinvent yourself. The only problem is that being an “edgy Communist” is actually pretty common these days, to the point of cliché. To be punk is to be subversive and abnormal. You should make the average person consider crossing the road when you walk down the street. When you tell people at a party about what you do, they should make their excuses and find someone else to talk to.
Therefore, I propose that the new “punk” is being a student landlord.
I mean, think about it. Just the mere thought of a person providing property to a person for profit is going to trigger your average Marxist-Leninist student (and make the Marxist-Leninists with Chinese characteristics murderous). Those bleeding-heart progressives surely won’t want to associate with you, thus making your possession of a property portfolio counterculture.
And so, the rub. How does one become a landlord? Well, according to Newfess #NFII21990, you should just buy a cheap property. There was some waffle in the comments about needing an income to obtain a mortgage and needing a deposit of several thousands of pounds but that’s small stuff, don’t sweat it.