Top 5 strange things at Newcastle University in 2020

Because 2021 is somehow already weirder and worse than 2020, The Lampoon is here to remind you of the good old days of last year… decade… century? Who knows anymore? Either way, let’s look back at the some of the “highlights” of our beloved Newcastle University’s recent history.

5. The rebirth of Newfess

Famously, uni students – who hate themselves already – didn’t have enough places on the internet to get into pointless arguments. To fill the gap, Newfess II, or Twofess (it’ll catch on) rose up from the ashes of its marginally better predecessor. Newfess I was a place to confess that you shat yourself on your first ever date (okay, that was just me), or that you have a weird fetish for TAK’s feet (again, that was just me). Twofess (I told you) became a place filled with more hatred than Donald Trump’s Twitter, which is of course much easier in 2021.

4. The homophobic survey

University distributed homophobia was not on our list of expectations for the year, but then as the university continually disappoints, the bar is lower than a PGR’s salary. The survey insinuated that gay people have predatory behaviour, an old-fashioned outdated stereotype propagated by 80s media. Certain students should perhaps refrain from moral panic about fictional sexual harassers and focus on the real ones allowed on campus.

3. The frog poem

The worst thing to involve frogs and solidarity in hard times since Paul McCartney made the Frog Chorus song. After the poem debacle, the University soon got the message that students wanted them to actually do something productive to benefit the wellbeing and the degree outcomes of students. Hint Hint. Chris. Hint Hint.

2. A first year student did not get covid

Barnaby, aged 19, a resident of Castle Leazes, was surprised to note that despite the whole building being riddled with COVID-19, as well as the bubonic plague given the age of that place, he did not present a single symptom. Days after noting this to authorities, he tested negative for the virus. Barnaby has since been transferred to Oxford, to be studied as a medical anomaly.

“Daddy is so proud of me managing to upgrade my university,” Barnaby told a Lampoon journalist.

It has been noted that Barnaby’s flatmates are rather glad to “have gotten rid of the posh twat”.

1. An in-person lecture

Remember the distant memory of January 2020, before the pandemic, before the strike before the pandemic, a second-year lecture took place in person in the Old Library building. Unfortunately, only 15 minutes of the two hour lecture was able to take place due to two interruptions of the fire alarm. The students did not realise that this was the last time they would set foot on campus. If they did, they would likely have shoved the canteen cook’s burnt sausages somewhere that has been redacted for the sake of the reader.

Survey finds 63% of people satisfied with survey

Funded by the Hive Mind Collective, Poll A Nation’s new survey was initially deemed a “ground-breaking study” – until scientists deemed the earthquake “purely coincidental.”

Of the people interviewed, 63% said the survey was to their satisfaction, with only 17% expressing dissatisfaction. 15% said they were unsure whether or not they were satisfied with the survey.

5% said they weren’t sure satisfaction was a measurable quality and that, if the satisfaction they’d been searching for to fill their empty existence had been granted by the completion of a survey, they weren’t sure what the point would be of continuing to live. A further 5% did a different survey.

“I liked this survey because it didn’t ask very much of me. Usually these things always have some box at the end that you’re supposed to fill in, with extra suggestions or concerns, as if they gave up on writing questions for people and thought ‘ah, they’ll come up with some questions for themselves.’ It’s even worse when they’ve got those little survey feedback boxes. Who wants to write a survey about the survey they’ve just done, and then answer their own survey questions? Not me. I’d be highly dissatisfied with that,” wrote one participant, in the survey feedback box.

Another participant, in an effort to preserve anonymity and protect their personal data, filled the survey out using invisible ink. This has been contested, however – one of the members of the research team pointed out that “I left Bob on his own for a full hour while I got people to fill in the survey. I came back to him and all his sheets were still blank. They can’t have all been invisible ink.”

One participant wrote that their dissatisfaction with the survey was due mainly to it being symptomatic of the ceaselessly self-referential postmodern condition. They lamented that “nothing means anything any more, because everything’s about itself. We’ve deconstructed everything about the world to the point where, even on this ridiculous survey, I’ve ended up deconstructing deconstruction. 

“It’d be like writing an article about something, and then forcibly throwing in a self-aware meta-joke about how meta jokes in articles rely too much on the novelty of self-awareness, despite the fact that self-awareness is in no way novel. We need to once again begin to think outside the box, rather than about boxes as a concept.”

They wrote this inside the feedback box, but added the word “think” outside of it.

The conductors of the study are still trying to track this genius down, but it could be a fruitless pursuit, due to the lack of meaningful data about any of the participants.