Toon Lampoon accused of immature content by man with great, girthy penis

The Toon Lampoon was today accused of a campaign of gutter journalism by an unnamed man in possession of a thick, meaty hog.

The complainant, described by one Lampoon writer as having ripe, dick-sucking lips, has claimed that he has faced a history of persecution by the satire outlet. They alleged the humour publication used its articles to draw attention to his shapely calves and firm, pendulous cock.

“It all started about a year ago,” the naughty little tease told our reporter, tears filling eyes more soulful than an Irish sky. “I began to get these articles forwarded to me, all talking about me and my… well, you know.”

The rest of this interview has unfortunately been lost, as our reporter was too busy staring in rapturous ecstasy at the prominent bulge in the man’s trousers. The Lampoon understands that the protuberance pulsed with potential and promise.

The individual in question, lips trembling in a come hither fashion, has claimed that he will be seeking a restraining order from The Toon Lampoon. The Lampoon’s legal team have already made it perfectly clear that they’re willing to be restrained by that cheeky little minx any time he wants.

He will also be seeking as-of-yet unknown damages as a form of compensation, claiming that this incident has left him unable to fully discharge his duties as the President of the People’s Republic of China.

Featured Image: Flickr

Toon Lampoon editors still staring in trepidation at email from Piers Morgan

The editors of The Toon Lampoon, at this time of writing, have still not opened an email received from Piers Morgan almost one hour ago, according to The Lampoon’s reporters.

Barely minutes after the news broke of his exit from Good Morning Britain, The Toon Lampoon received an email from the former broadcaster. Rather than open it, however, the editors instead stood in front of their “second-hand” laptop, staring at the cracked screen in what has been described by the writing team as “the slack-jawed incredulity of the incompetent”.

“We knew that there was something odd going on immediately,” Editor Joe Molander told a Toon Lampoon journalist who had sought refuge in a bathroom cubicle. “I mean, this was the first email that hadn’t been sifted into any of the separate inboxes for legal threats, demands for money, or sexually explicit fan fiction of our editorial team. It wasn’t until we read the name of the sender that we realised that we were apparently Piers Morgan’s first choice after Good Morning Britain.”

Forcing himself underneath the cubicle door, Molander added, “We’ve not dared to open the email yet, but there’s definitely an attachment: something called ‘Piers_Morgan_CV.pdf’.”

Piers Morgan ended his six-year tenure on Good Morning Britain after his comments regarding the Meghan Markle and Prince Harry interview drew considerable criticism. Despite the free agent now apparently looking to write the next chapter of his career with the North East’s premier satire publication, The Toon Lampoon is concerned that it will not be able to offer the same opportunities for phone-hacking, misogyny, racism, or getting punched by Jeremy Clarkson that Morgan has enjoyed in the past.

Sources have also indicated that key figures in The Lampoon don’t believe that they are capable of helping Piers Morgan to amass what the former GMB co-presenter would regard as “an acceptable number” of Ofcom investigations.

Outrage as The Times just publish the time

British broadsheet newspaper The Times has found itself in hot water as the pages in the edition published on 6th February 2021 only consisted of the time. The front cover of the famous newspaper simply featured “02:37” in plain block black text which has angered many long time readers.

Sheila Dunningham from Royal Leamington Spa was “devastated” that she wasn’t able to get her daily picture of “Dishy Rishi” but admitted she “liked” that each page featured the times of famous capital cities. “That was a nice touch” she commented, before blabbering on about her grandfather’s globetrotting adventures. (I didn’t ask)

However, most readers found no redeeming factors in the change in format. David Frobisher, a retired lorry driver from Kent, was angry that the time “doesn’t change.” Mr Frobisher recounted his frustrations to The Toon Lampoon. “I was staring at it all day and it just stayed there. It didn’t move! It’s in a 24-hour format as well so it wasn’t even correct at 2:37 this afternoon!”

In Bolsover, Jacqui Sanderson took umbrage with today’s issues “insistence to fill its pages with the times of other nations.” She believes that The Times is a “British paper,” and doesn’t understand why we should worry about the “foreign times we’re being demanded to take interest in.”

Despite disagreements over todays issue, readers of The Times are waiting with bated breath to see what the newspaper will publish tomorrow. Will it return to its original format? Or will the country be treated to a brand new time plastered across the pages of the long-running British institution?

Image: BBC News (UK) on Twitter

President Trump holds press conference next to Toon Lampoon offices

Staff of prestigious satire publication The Toon Lampoon were surprised earlier today by the realisation that President Donald Trump had elected to host a “big press conference” at Four Season’s Landscaping: the property next to their own offices.

“I mean, yeah, it was a huge surprise,” one correspondent told another. “We’d just assumed that there would be no major news today, so we’d knocked off early and more or less descended into a haze of opium and emotionless, unsatisfying sex.”

“I was sandwiched between our political correspondent and the Chief Editor,” another writer reported to his own reflection. “I remember Dr. Spain swaying by the window, a half-drunk bottle of wine clutched in his fist. And then he said – I remember the exact words – he said, ‘Shit fuck. I think that’s the goddamn President out there.'”

The Lampoon offices, which also offer a considerable collection of adult fiction, videos, and barely-used marital aids, have described their relationship with both Four Season’s Landscaping and the 45th president of the United States as “suboptimal”, having spent a large portion of 2020 producing almost-but-not-quite libellous news articles about one while decrying the domestic and foreign policies of the other.

“Honestly, the pair of them being together now feels like poetry,” Dr. Spain admitted to any Lampoon writer not currently face-down in a puddle of their own fluids. “It would have been an amazing opportunity to carry out an interview but, if I can say this off the record, it seemed so convenient that we all agreed that this was probably some undercover ploy to draw us out into a police sting.”

The Lampoon will continue to employ their sterling and unrivalled journalistic talents as America enters the Biden presidency, as soon as they’ve had a good nap and can move more than five steps without vomiting blood.

“No, YOUR satire publication is juvenile and lacking in quality”: a letter to our readers

We here at The Toon Lampoon count ourselves hashtag blessed to have such a responsive and vocal readership. However, we felt that we were letting this same readership down by simply allowing communication between us to become something of a one-way street. We would hate for you to think that we didn’t value your well-researched feedback or your creatively-spelt comments and, in that spirit, we have decided to respond to your responses. We hope that, by taking this step, we have helped institute a constructive and symbiotic relationship of commentary, feedback and, most importantly, mutual appreciation.

With that sentiment in mind, please accept our letter to you:

Dear Readers,

No, YOUR satire publication is juvenile and lacking in quality. On that note, WE don’t know how YOU manage to live with YOURSELVES, considering how one-dimensional and creatively flaccid YOUR articles manage to be. And it is actually WE who live in hope of YOUR website being shut down, you talentless hacks.

On that note, you know what actually isn’t clever? YOUR articles where YOU reference events happening behind the scenes at YOUR relentlessly mediocre satire publication. God, do you think that anyone finds YOUR work to be interesting or worthy of praise? In fact, WE bet that YOUR parents are disappointed in YOU.

Finally, we would just like to say that WE feel that YOUR lack of pride in YOUR city and university is, in fact, a sad example to us all. And WE hope that YOU are particularly happy with YOURSELVES for furthering the decline of satire, the English language and, almost certainly, Western civilisation itself.

WE, in fact, will see YOU in hell.

Yours, with the most sincere thanks,

The Toon Lampoon Editorial Staff

No more news for you until you’ve calmed down a little

The Toon Lampoon is here to bring you today’s top story, which is that the news will not resume until you’ve settled yourself down a bit. This follows an earlier story, also broken by The Lampoon, which revealed that it’s high time that you started acting your age rather than your shoe size.

Amidst reports that your behaviour is completely unacceptable for an adult, experts confirmed that they had never seen such a disappointing performance in all their years of putting up with your nonsense. When asked for comment, a source who wished to remain anonymous for their own protection from your goddamn childish attitude said, “It really is unbelievable. The levels of immaturity have broken through every previous record, and they’re fast approaching the point where they will, in fact, surpass the giddy limit.”

Of course, this is not the first time that eyebrows have been raised at your frankly unacceptable conduct. However, sources opined that you really have taken it too far this time and that they’re just glad that your mother isn’t here to see this performance.

The Toon Lampoon attempts in all things to hold itself to a high objective standard. We feel that we must follow our own moral integrity, though, and advise that you buck your ideas up, young man or lady, because you’re impressing absolutely no-one. The Lampoon team would like to add, on a personal note, that we just hope that you’re proud of yourself.