“It’s unethical to drink at Wetherspoons” says man with an iPhone

A local man with an iPhone has gone on the record stating that drinking at Wetherspoons is against his moral code.

“I can’t support a business that treats its employees so poorly,” said the man, believed to own an iPhone XR. “Labour isn’t just an exploitable resource. You need to have ethics when dealing with your workers.”

“Back before the lockdown, my friends and I went to Spoons frequently. It was the perfect place for a drink after a long day shopping. You’d cop some t-shirts from Primark, maybe some Nike trainers. You’d give the homeless people on the street a sympathetic look, but no actual money. And then you’d pop into Spoons for a couple of pints. That was the ideal Saturday.

“Now it’s different. It’s unethical to drink at Wetherspoons after the way Tim Martin treated his staff.”

On March 24th, it was announced that Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin had told his employees to look for jobs elsewhere as they would not be paid until the government’s furlough scheme kicked in. This decision received unanticipated backlash from the general public and was reversed the following day. Spoons employees were then paid in full until the furlough scheme began, and there is no indication that any jobs were lost.

“I don’t care if he changed his mind,” the local man said. “The point of protest isn’t to bring about change. We need to punish people for their mistakes, forever, regardless of whether they ultimately do the right thing.”

The man declined to comment on whether boycotting his local Wetherspoons could potentially have a more dire impact on the job security of the employees there than it would on the personal wealth of Mr Martin, a multi-millionaire.

“It’s just disappointing,” the man concluded. “Before the coronavirus, there was absolutely no indicator that Tim Martin was a bit of a bellend. Well, now we know.”

Eat Out to Help Out sees Spoons app orders of pots of PEAs increase 1000%

After the government’s introduction of the Eat Out to Help Out scheme, scores of highly original practical jokers have taken to ordering hundreds of unwanted items to people’s tables in Wetherspoons. One self-proclaimed ‘student comedian’ said to us “if it’s half the price, it’s double the fun.”

When the ‘Spoons game’ went viral over two years ago, it was regarded by many as the peak of British comedy. Who doesn’t say the ultimate practical joke on a night-out is when someone miles away pays for a small amount of food to be brought to your table, only for it to go uneaten and eventually be thrown away?

Now even the most tight-fisted jokers can join in on the action too, thanks to the new government scheme to get us all out our homes, and into places with cash registers. Now, a pot of peas will set you back just 32p and a glass of milk is only 35p, whereas the tables and pint pots are all free.

However, after the recent surge in useless orders, one member of staff is pleading for the prank to finally come to an end. She said that she once had to clear “so many peas from table 69 it weighed as much as a four stone child.” Our quantitative analyst at The Toon Lampoon estimates that not even the Green Giant himself could carry that.

However, Tim Martin, as ever, has other ideas, and has allegedly been spotted rolling around smushing peas and milk everywhere and making a “really big mess.” We’re not really sure why that would be, but he might be celebrating the literal tens of pounds he is making from all of this.

But what’s your opinion? Should these kings of comedy commemorated with a big old statue, just like Martin was a month back, or should they just be shot at dawn?

Tim Martin Statue “ugly duckling” of the Five Swans

It can be revealed that – in a lewd act of waterfowl-based intercourse – a 20-foot-tall statue of Tim Martin has been birthed in the Newcastle Wetherspoons pub.

It is the second time a statue of Martin has been erected in Newcastle after the first, which depicted a headless and dressed in a ballet costume, was toppled by a mob of angry students last year. However, to appease the tastes of the discerning masses, this time the sculpture features a nude body with its head donning a pink tutu.

It stands at the foot of the building, and commemorates his generous donation of a “£1 million loft conversion”  earlier this year, according to a tiny plaque pinned to his groin area. The artists, whose names remain unknown, constructed it while the pub was closed because “birds can’t catch the ‘rona, honk.”

Regulars T. Rood and E. Moschenal, who had been queuing up outside the watering hole for the three months, witnessed four of the Queen’s swans, and one greatly confused Canada goose, construct a giant nest (used to birth the sculpture) while the pub was in lockdown. Rood told a reporter from The Toon Lampoon, “I feared it had turned into some sort of swingers club for birdwatchers.” But thankfully for the drinking-man, their giant egg, which looked like a firkin of ale, was kicked to shreds by a crowd of thirsty punters when they were let back in on Super Saturday. However from the seeping yoke, it is said that the statue then unravelled itself like fireman’s hose and slid its way to the front of the pub, such as a creature from the primordial soup.

The sculpture, which some have compared to a Greek God, is a spectacle to behold, but it is not to the tastes of everyone. One local called it “A crime against everything that Wetherspoons, and a keen supporter of the arts, stands for.” Several petitions have been placed with the City Council in support of the ‘Martin Must Fall Movement’ brandishing it as an unnatural and sick monument, thought to have been brought on by a bad case of bird-flu induced Glandula Superrealismus.

When a reporter from The Toon Lampoon approached the feathery artists for comment, they just responded with “Honk, honk, Brexit, honk”, a statement thought to venerate Martin, who they are said worship like some ale-deity.