Political journalists struggling to discuss current affairs without Harry Potter metaphors

Political correspondents admitted today that they were still “lost and discouraged” at the prospect of framing national and international events on Twitter without referencing Harry Potter.

Laura Shilling, a news professional who is allegedly an adult, told The Lampoon, “It used to be so easy. You’d just call Trump or Putin or whomever Voldemort, accuse Betsy DeVos of being Professor Umbridge and, if you had the characters left, compare the supporters to Death Eaters. In terms of helping people comprehend the nuanced and multifaceted nature of rapidly developing events, it was unparalleled.”

Respected journalists began to distance themselves from JK Rowling, author of a children’s book series about wizards, after the author made several controversial comments, as well as a full essay, lambasting the trans community.

“Well, it’s just not a good look anymore,” said Tom Owens (supposedly 29). “The frantic leaps for ham-fisted representation and the whole thing with the goblins was fine, but after a certain point, it’s not appropriate to use a children’s book series about wizards to frame political discourse.”

When asked what the next step was, Owens admitted that he wasn’t certain. “There’s not a lot of young adult fiction to lean on, honestly. A Series of Unfortunate Events is a bit niche; Redwall doesn’t quite have the post-publication diversity that we look for, and Eragon…well, not Eragon.”

“Honestly, if someone doesn’t come out with some decent children’s novels soon, we’re just going to have to use words like ‘family separation, ‘autocracy’, and ‘undermining the integrity of elections by attacking public resources’. And who the hell is going to understand that?”

Breaking: cancelled people actually erased from history

The Toon Lampoon can reveal that people who are cancelled by people on Twitter are actually sent into the purgatorial abyss between dimensions, and all trace of them is erased from history.

We reached out to find someone who had been cancelled, but couldn’t find anyone, because they never existed in the first place.

An artist’s impression of what the interdimensional abyss might look like

It appears that millions have been wiped from existence in recent years with the rise of ‘cancel culture’.

Author of the famous Harry Potter series, Daniel Radcliffe, told The Lampoon “Thank god I haven’t been cancelled, I’ve heard that transphobia and racism can literally wipe you from this dimensional plane”.

This journalist can agree. Being utterly expunged from history seems pretty bad, but at least it’s not simply being called out for bigoted views and continuing to be able to speak out and have massive wealth.

That would be a real nightmare.