A TV show has been dubbed “an acting masterclass” by the most irritating person you know, The Lampoon can reveal.
The incident occurred at a pub in Gateshead on Saturday. Our linguist team has confirmed literally any other phrasing would have been less insufferable.
“‘The cast are good’, literally just say ‘the cast are good’,” our head linguist said in a statement, or – as the police are insisting on calling it – suicide note.
“My back-and-forth discourse about religious symbolism in the comments sections of clips from The Sopranos has sharpened my wit to a fine point,” he told The Lampoon. “So it’s perfectly understandable that in real life I talk in a way that’s too articulate for some of my peers to understand.”
“It would be ridiculous to consider myself a critic,” he continued, while straightening his beret. “No, mine is the lot of a simple polemicist.”
Featured image: Adrian Scottow on Flickr
Talk show host and alleged comedian Stephen Colbert has been appointed a special envoy to the Middle East. The decision was made by American officials who were blown away by his witty and irreverent monologues.
“When we saw this guy, we knew he meant business,” an American diplomat told The Lampoon. “He spends all day talking about the symptoms of a problem he doesn’t have the balls to identify, just like our officials!”
“We’ve tried everything else, so why not talk show liberalism? We need someone who could march up to the Middle East and not even think that imperialism played a role there.”
A British diplomat to the Middle East who is close to The Lampoon welcomed the move. She told our reporter “I was sceptical at first, but after a few wry observations about Trump being orange, he won me over.”
“I’m sure his time in an improv troupe far outweighs my doctorate in international relations. Besides, what do I know? I was only shortlisted for the Nobel Peace Prize.”
Colbert is expected to stay in his new role until he fleshes out a two state solution between Israel and Palestine. Either that, or he comes up with a decent joke, which is expected to take longer.