“Jesus has always understood the assignment,” says desperate priest

In a desperate bid to appeal to the youth of today, a local priest has announced “Jesus has always understood the assignment”. He then proceeded to post four pictures of Jesus in different but nevertheless harmless roles, such as getting crucified.

The priest agreed to talk to our faith correspondent, who robs churches and has heard of the Sistine Chapel.

She asked the priest if the process of attracting new followers was degrading, to which he replied “I suppose it is, sis”, while practising TikTok dances.

“Still, we need young people, and it was either this or get way cooler about gay marriage.

“That’s why we’re getting on-board with all the latest Twitter trends. We’ve been doxed three times, and are engaged in intense theological discussion with a man with a furry as his profile picture.”

The strategy is not without its limits, though.

“This does test some of the more traditional members of the cloth,” the priest admitted. “Neil stopped believing in God altogether when we told him what a furry was.”

Featured Image (clockwise from top left): Mennonite Mission Network on YouTube, Look and Learn, James Shepard on Flickr and Hunter Bennett on Flickr. My targeted ads are gonna be so weird this week.

Breaking: Sabbatical officer actually does something

In a stunning turn of events, reports are coming in that a sabbatical officer has actually done something today. While our intrepid reporters are scrambling to find out what exactly they have done, The Lampoon, along with the entirety of the student population of Newcastle University, wait with bated breath to see how this unnamed brave officer is earning their £19k.

Some students have taken to Twitter to theorize what they might have done. “Maybe they’ve actually brought up tuition fees in Student Council” proposed one student. “Nah, I reckon they’ve updated their blog” replied another.

I wish I could offer a better analysis of events than just quoting some random tweets from students, but due to the unmatched nature of this event, I have nothing to compare it to. Sorry readers, you’re all on your own today. Just self-teach yourself the news, you’ll be alright.

Breaking: cancelled people actually erased from history

The Toon Lampoon can reveal that people who are cancelled by people on Twitter are actually sent into the purgatorial abyss between dimensions, and all trace of them is erased from history.

We reached out to find someone who had been cancelled, but couldn’t find anyone, because they never existed in the first place.

An artist’s impression of what the interdimensional abyss might look like

It appears that millions have been wiped from existence in recent years with the rise of ‘cancel culture’.

Author of the famous Harry Potter series, Daniel Radcliffe, told The Lampoon “Thank god I haven’t been cancelled, I’ve heard that transphobia and racism can literally wipe you from this dimensional plane”.

This journalist can agree. Being utterly expunged from history seems pretty bad, but at least it’s not simply being called out for bigoted views and continuing to be able to speak out and have massive wealth.

That would be a real nightmare.