Because 2021 is somehow already weirder and worse than 2020, The Lampoon is here to remind you of the good old days of last year… decade… century? Who knows anymore? Either way, let’s look back at the some of the “highlights” of our beloved Newcastle University’s recent history.
5. The rebirth of Newfess
Famously, uni students – who hate themselves already – didn’t have enough places on the internet to get into pointless arguments. To fill the gap, Newfess II, or Twofess (it’ll catch on) rose up from the ashes of its marginally better predecessor. Newfess I was a place to confess that you shat yourself on your first ever date (okay, that was just me), or that you have a weird fetish for TAK’s feet (again, that was just me). Twofess (I told you) became a place filled with more hatred than Donald Trump’s Twitter, which is of course much easier in 2021.
4. The homophobic survey
University distributed homophobia was not on our list of expectations for the year, but then as the university continually disappoints, the bar is lower than a PGR’s salary. The survey insinuated that gay people have predatory behaviour, an old-fashioned outdated stereotype propagated by 80s media. Certain students should perhaps refrain from moral panic about fictional sexual harassers and focus on the real ones allowed on campus.
3. The frog poem
The worst thing to involve frogs and solidarity in hard times since Paul McCartney made the Frog Chorus song. After the poem debacle, the University soon got the message that students wanted them to actually do something productive to benefit the wellbeing and the degree outcomes of students. Hint Hint. Chris. Hint Hint.
2. A first year student did not get covid
Barnaby, aged 19, a resident of Castle Leazes, was surprised to note that despite the whole building being riddled with COVID-19, as well as the bubonic plague given the age of that place, he did not present a single symptom. Days after noting this to authorities, he tested negative for the virus. Barnaby has since been transferred to Oxford, to be studied as a medical anomaly.
“Daddy is so proud of me managing to upgrade my university,” Barnaby told a Lampoon journalist.
It has been noted that Barnaby’s flatmates are rather glad to “have gotten rid of the posh twat”.
1. An in-person lecture
Remember the distant memory of January 2020, before the pandemic, before the strike before the pandemic, a second-year lecture took place in person in the Old Library building. Unfortunately, only 15 minutes of the two hour lecture was able to take place due to two interruptions of the fire alarm. The students did not realise that this was the last time they would set foot on campus. If they did, they would likely have shoved the canteen cook’s burnt sausages somewhere that has been redacted for the sake of the reader.