Priti Patel apologises for breaking social distancing rules during migrant family slaying

Home Secretary Priti Patel has apologised for failing to uphold social distancing guidelines during the ritualistic slaughter of a migrant family.

“It is true that I could have been more cautious and more alert during this period,” Patel told The Lampoon. “I failed to observe the advised distance of two metres while my fingers tightened around the father’s malnourished throat, which I acknowledge is not acceptable behaviour.”

Earlier this week, The Lampoon released stills from a video showing the Home Secretary removing the internal organs of a young Polish man before laying them at the feet of a bronze likeness of Margaret Thatcher.

Patel was then faced with criticism on social media for her failure to wear a mask during the unholy ritual, which the NHS has stated is paramount in preventing the spread of COVID-19.

“I’m sorry that people think that my conduct was unacceptable during this period,” Patel told our reporter. “Carrying out regular Home Office business while obeying the current guidelines is a difficult matter, and one which I am still adjusting to.”

“If someone out there thinks that they can accomplish the important and necessary task of holding an undocumented immigrant’s head underwater for the statutory ten minutes without breaking social distancing guidelines, then I’d like to see it.”

“I mean, I’d really, really like to see it.”

Featured image: Number 10 on Flickr

Keir Starmer “takes full responsibility” for search for elections scapegoat

In a revealing interview with The Toon Lampoon, Keir Starmer has pledged that he and he alone will shoulder the heavy burden of finding someone to blame for Labour’s disappointing performance in local elections.

“It’s obvious that something is wrong in our approach,” Starmer told our reporter. “The people of the country were shown what was on offer, and many of them used their democratic vote to categorically reject the most visible element of the Labour Party.”

“I promise that I will not rest until I find out what, or who, that element is.”

Labour supporters faced a grim Friday. The loss of Hartlepool’s parliamentary seat was compounded by Labour surrendering its majority in Durham County Council for the first time in a century.

Corbynite elements within the Party are proclaiming the affair to be just another example of the former Labour leader “winning the argument, you swish, Blairite bastard”.

Starmer was met with further derision following his response to Labour’s dismal performance, where he sacked party chair Angela Rayner, anyone “who looks a bit too Marxist”, and your dad. But, the leader of the Labour Party claimed, he planned to take full responsibility for blaming any other viable targets.

“Being a leader means stepping up and putting yourself in the firing line,” Starmer told The Lampoon. “And in the spirit, I plan to fire a whole line full of people until the electorate realise what an amazing leader I am and stop banging on about ‘opposition’.”

The Labour leader concluded the interview by blaming our reporter for the disappointing local election results. He then fired our reporter from his role as John McDonnell’s body double for scenes featuring graphic nudity.

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

Widow of man strangled by Boris Johnson “can’t imagine how Corbyn would have treated him”

The wife of a civil servant throttled to death by Boris Johnson has told The Toon Lampoon that she thanks God each and every day that her late husband never suffered the misfortune of coming into contact with Jeremy Corbyn.

“It’s been unimaginable,” Karen Smike, 47, told our reporter. “It’s hard to put into words how it feels to know that someone I loved and cared for is no longer here: to know that he died desperately trying to take one more breath of oxygen, but that he couldn’t, thanks to Boris Johnson.”

Smike continued on to say that, though the action of strangling or the inaction of not stopping strangling committed by the Prime Minister had caused her levels of trauma and heartbreak that she had not formerly believed possible, that it was clear to her that her husband had been saved from the undoubtedly worse fate reserved for him had he been forced to work alongside Jeremy Corbyn.

“Even as I replay his last futile gasps for air through my head, day after day, for hours on end, I know that Corbyn would have increased his suffering a hundredfold. Whether that would have been by strangling him for a lot longer, or by strangling him and also his brother, or by not allowing him to go to the pub while also strangling him, I know in my heart that it would have been worse.”

Smike claims that, despite accepting that Boris Johnson is responsible for the loss of her late husband, this will not stop her voting Conservative in the next general election, on the basis that she believes that the leader of any other political party would have strangled her husband to an equal or greater degree than the Prime Minister had the nation granted them that opportunity.

A spokesperson from the Conservative Party has issued a statement saying that, ideally, we would live in a world where Boris Johnson would not be permitted to strangle anyone, but “sadly, we are forced by our current circumstances to accept a certain amount of strangling, and we can only hope that we are able to keep this at a manageable level and ensure that the right companies and individuals receive the funding they need to reach this target.”

Prime Minister “planned to awaken the Old Ones and turn the nation over to the darkness”, claims Cummings ally

Following the revelation of Boris Johnson’s alleged disregard for the victims of COVID-19, as reported by The Daily Mail, sources close to former SPAD Dominic Cummings have claimed that the Prime Minister had planned to “call upon the forgotten and unspeakable Gods that dwell beneath the depths to rise once again and ravage the country.”

“It might sound unbelievable and, if I’m honest, pretty convenient in terms of kicking the gaffe-ridden bastard out to make room for Michael Gove, but I swear that this actually happened,” the anonymous source told The Toon Lampoon.

“He had this book with a kind of dark power emanating from it, and he kept motioning towards it and saying that he knew just how to sort everything out. He got an aide to try to read it, but her eyes just turned completely black and she more or less phased through the fabric of our reality, leaving behind nothing except the disquieting notion that all would eventually do the same, if anything can truly be called real. It was bananas.”

Cabinet Ministers have, in what has become a familiar sight over the past several weeks, closed ranks around the Prime Minister, stating their belief that this latest attack on Boris Johnson is nothing more than an attempted smear and character assassination of the Tory premier.

“The Prime Minister has my full support, whatever it is that he’s been accused of,” Liz Truss told our reporter. “I’m sure that all of this is a massive misunderstanding, and that these claims – whatever their nature – are completely laughable. This is just like that other story about him that I, of course, completely disbelieve, whatever the specific details.”

This latest rumour of the Conservative Party’s proximity to an almost-realised Lovecraftian nightmare is alleged to be unrelated to a similar incident involving Chris Grayling that took place six months ago, which The Toon Lampoon is given to understand resulted primarily from incompetence.

Conservative Party to fund seminars on how to rationalise voting for Michael Gove

In the wake of Boris Johnson’s most recent scandal, the Tory Party will reportedly pay a London-based training company an undisclosed amount to help party members explain their vote for Michael Gove to non-Conservative voters.

“We’re very keen to take on this challenge,” a spokesperson from the training organisation Indie Fensible told our reporter. “We understand the difficulty in having to suddenly and vehemently defend to the death what, mere moments earlier, you would have emptied both barrels of a shotgun into. That being said, Michael Gove is certainly unlike anything we have faced before.”

The news of these seminars has been greeted with considerable positivity by Conservative Party members.

“I’m immensely grateful,” Mr Humphrey Wokingham told The Lampoon. “I back the Conservative Party to the hilt, of course, but one finds it so embarrassing when one is presented with the facts as seen from a certain point of view and, often in the gauchest of terms, asked to explain why they continue to support the Prime Minister.”

Mrs Emilia Thornton told our reporter, “I was brought up by Nanny to always vote Conservative, and I fully intend to, but there’s just something so horrid about that Gove man. I’m very much looking forward to being told about why it’s all going to be all right. I expect it’ll be rather jolly: just like school.”

The Toon Lampoon’s polling at this time suggests that 40% of Conservative Party members would happily attend the proposed seminars, with a further 45% stating that they’d not normally sit in an uncomfortable chair and be lectured by some long-haired, pot-loving university graduate, but anything to shut up the bastard kids whenever that glasses-wearing tit takes a shit on the democratic carpet.

A final 15% of those polled told our journalist to go back to where she came from. As the journalist in question was born in Sunderland, we at The Lampoon would like to assure our readers that we condemn this sentiment in the strongest possible terms.

Labour Party to immediately schism down to individual members in time-saving policy

Labour today announced that the Party would fracture down to individual members in the interests of saving time.

The news came following the latest schism in the membership, between a group of those who feel that it should be party policy to call anyone who voted for the Conservative Party a “Nazi” and those who believe that “fascist” is the more appropriate term.

Labour leader Keir Starmer stated, “It’s become increasingly apparent that what the Labour Party needs is less, not more, unity.”

“When the Labour Party is fractured between large factions, the sad truth of it is that members of either group are forced to compromise on what they believe in, from the mechanics of party policy to whether those who disagree with your coalition should be cast out of the party or merely have the word ‘Centrist’ branded across their forehead.”

Starmer continued by promising, “This new style of individual membership will ensure that a full range of suggestions and ideologies will be heard, in a confusing, angry roar from which we will craft our manifesto.”

The Labour Party leader went on to rebuff the suggestion that such a restructuring would cause the Party to offer less effective opposition and make it more difficult to win future elections.

“We at the Labour Party believe that all voices should be heard as we work together to build a country that works for everyone,” Starmer concluded. “And if working together without dissent, purity tests, or character assassination was possible before now, then surely it would have been utter madness for us not to do so in either of the previous two elections.”

Boris Johnson announces his New Year’s resolution: to do “more of a Tony Soprano sort of thing”

Following up on his promise to create a deal between the UK and the EU, Boris Johnson has made a new pledge, promising to fulfil a New Year’s resolution to become “thirty percent more Tony Soprano-esque.”

“The Prime Minister has proved his commitment to the Brexit process,” a Downing Street spokesperson told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “Following on from this, we are confident that Mr Johnson will follow through on his promise to cultivate a more Sopranos-style milieu within the Cabinet with the same energy and dedication.”

Boris Johnson’s enthusiasm for getting rid of colleagues for perceived disloyalty, extramarital affairs, allowing his lack of leadership qualities to cause a breakdown of the organisation he leads, discrimination towards ethnic minorities, embarrassments involving elderly family members, and the remoulding of his physique into one reminiscent of what doctors have described as a “a guy who eats beef and sausage by the fuckin’ carload” have been noted by members of the public with an interest in both the Conservative Party and The Sopranos. When approached by The Lampoon, the member of the public in question said, “I’m withholding judgement on his performance thus far. In my opinion, he never had the makings of a varsity Prime Minister.”

Upon being questioned by The Lampoon, a Cabinet Minister who wished to remain anonymous stated, “Ooohhh!!” while gesticulating wildly with his arms. After the issue was pursued, the Cabinet Minister added, “All due respect, you got no fuckin’ idea what it’s like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin’ thing. It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end you’re completely alone with it all.”

Reports from inside Downing Street have described the Prime Minister as muttering, “Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun” moments before announcing the deal between the United Kingdom and the European Union. Following the delivery of this announcement, The Lampoon’s cameras captured Johnson blocking Michael Gove’s mouth and nose until the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster had expired.

As the date of the Prime Minister’s resolution begins, the only question that remains to be answered is

Corbyn supporters ecstatic as former Labour leader “wins another argument”

Following the suspension of former Leader of the Opposition Jeremy Corbyn from the Labour Party and the removal of the Labour Whip, sources from the left wing of the party have announced that they are “absolutely thrilled”.

“Being suspended from the Labour Party really is a testament to Jeremy Corbyn’s political beliefs and moral character,” a spokesman for Momentum told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “Just like delivering a Conservative majority at the previous election, Corbyn being suspended for allegedly trying to interfere in an investigation into antisemitism within Labour is another example of him winning the argument.”

This is not the first time that what many see as a political disaster has been touted by Corbyn’s supporters – or even the man himself – as a form of victory. Following the election of 2019, in which the Conservative party gained a landslide majority of eighty seats in the House of Commons, the then Leader of the Labour Party claimed to have “won the arguments and rewritten the terms of political debate“. Now, as then, those to the left of the Labour Party are framing Corbyn’s suspension as a triumph.

“As a Jezhead, I think that the twenty-three reported instances of inappropriate involvement in the complaints process by the Leader of the Opposition’s Office only makes it clear how right he is, and I’m excited for what the future brings,” one source told our correspondent. “Labour civil war? A schism? The party splitting completely? Whatever happens, I can’t wait to win argument after argument against the biggest threat that our nation faces: Keir Starmer and the Blairite scum who follow him.”

“Cuntasaurus Rex” deemed not to be unparliamentary language

Following a heated exchange during a parliamentary session earlier today, eyebrows were raised after the Speaker of the House of Commons deemed that what has been termed “a foul insult” by Conservative MPs and “quality patter” from an SNP spokesman, did not break the rules or conventions dictating acceptable language used in Parliament.

During debate that broke out following the submission of an early day motion (“that this House recognises that recent omens indicate that it is indeed a portentous time to geld the Secretary of State for Education with a rusty pair of shears in an attempt to improve morale”), Members on both sides of the Chamber became increasingly passionate as they argued whether the omens were indeed favourable, or whether they should simply continue with recent attempts to cyberbully the Education Secretary into suicide.

After a particularly aggressive exchange of views, H. Fizkin MP, was called upon by the Speaker to retract his previous comment, in which he had termed Henry Coningsby, a Conservative MP, “a lying, bastard rat”, on the basis that the descriptors in question constituted unparliamentary language. During his retraction, Mr Fizkin thanked the Speaker for correcting him, declaring instead that Coningsby was, rather, “an absolute cuntasaurus rex”.

Members on the Conservative benches immediately appealed to the Speaker to censure Fizkin once again for his words. However, after conferring with the Deputy Speakers and consulting a copy of Erskine May, the Speaker ruled that Mr Fizkin’s comments did not constitute unparliamentary language and that the remarks would stand.

“The Member for Eatanswill’s apology and retraction, unlike his first statement, did not contain any language traditionally regarded as unparliamentary; he did not refer to the Member for Darlford as a ‘swine’, a ‘hooligan’, or a ‘hypocrite’,” the Speaker stated. “In my view, ‘cuntasaurus rex’ is an acceptable term to employ to describe anyone currently occupying a seat in the House of Commons.”

Keir Starmer powerbombs Boris Johnson through woolsack during heated PMQs

In what was described by viewers as a “robust confrontation” in the House of Commons, Keir Starmer today showed an uncharacteristic level of passion as he hoisted Prime Minister Boris Johnson onto his shoulders before powerbombing him straight through the woolsack.

Starmer’s absence from the chamber had been noted by MPs as Boris Johnson entered the House of Commons for Prime Minister’s Questions. However, this was soon revealed to be a mere ploy, and when the Prime Minister was asked what his engagements for the day were, the Labour leader rose up behind Johnson before driving him to the ground with what Laura Kuenssberg later described as “an RKO out of nowhere”.

Members on the Government benches appealed for the Speaker to intervene as Starmer tore his suit jacket and shirt off his body and drove elbow after elbow onto the Prime Minister’s prone form. Lindsay Hoyle, however, declared that the incident in question did not as yet amount to unparliamentary conduct and so he would let it continue.

“I, for one, was disgusted,” Conservative MP John Redwood told The Lampoon. “Mr Starmer is clearly unwilling to provide an opposition that supports the Government and praises its coronavirus response, so we are instead forced to endure scenes of him hitting Boris Johnson with the People’s Elbow – which, while it may indeed be the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, seems to me an impractically socialist manoeuvre.”

After Starmer had finally powerbombed the Prime Minister through the woolsack, he provided some brief words of comment to The Lampoon’s political correspondent, stating, “Well, let me tell you something, brother. What I just did in there is just a taste of what I’ve got in store for Boris Jabroni each week, every week at PMQs. And he can talk about the Shadow Education Secretary’s comments, and he can talk about the previous Labour government, and he can talk about sniping from the sidelines, but he needs to realise that he’s not just taking on me, but the thousands of Starmermaniacs, brother. That whole Tory Cabinet had better realise that they’re not dealing with Jeremy Corbyn; they’re dealing with a leadership winning, left-winging, policy hacking, Long-Bailey sacking Leader of the Opposition. And you can’t teach that.”

Downing Street was unavailable to comment, but a Whitehall source did confirm that Keir Starmer had been offered a match at Madison Square Garden against current Universal Champion Drew McIntyre to determine the future of Scottish Independence.