Joe Manchin to regularly garotte Democrat voters in attempt to foster bipartisanship

Joe Manchin today announced his intention to strangle the life out of a Democrat voter, every hour, on the hour, in order to encourage bipartisan efforts within the Senate.

The Senator for West Virginia stated that reaching across the aisle was fundamental to the ideals that the Senate had been created to serve, and that he was going to ensure that it continued to do so by throttling his party’s voters with American-made piano wire.

“What my colleagues in the Democratic Party patently fail to realise is that we cannot proceed with a purely partisan approach,” Manchin told The Toon Lampoon. “I believe that partisan voting legislation will destroy the already weakening binds of our democracy, and I intend to make it stronger by staring into the dimming, red eyes of any son of a bitch I catch voting for my party.”

Manchin claims that the regular and gradual culling of Democratic supporters will ensure that neither Democrats nor Democrats will be able to pursue their own agenda without the support of their opposition on Capitol Hill.

“How are we supposed to create policy with the Republicans when our supporters hugely outnumber theirs?” Manchin asked our reporter. “That’s what’s forced them to put all of these roadblocks between the American people and their right to participate in elections, and shame on us for not trying to solve this problem.”

Manchin admits that garotting one Democrat per hour is neither the most efficient nor rapid way to right what he calls “a partisan imbalance of support,” but he is sure that his efforts will be greeted with a positive response by Republican Senators, many of whom can boast their own attempts to kill off their own voters.

Trump acquittal stuns mindless optimist

The Senate’s acquittal of Former President Donald Trump was described as “an incredible shock” by Andrew Jameson, noted in his community for “possessing the infantile optimism of a concussed puppy”.

Jameson, who has already made headlines multiple times over the past four years for his incredulity over events such as Donald Trump siding with white supremacists, Donald Trump claiming that the 2020 election was stolen, and Donald Trump causing a riot and the storming of the US Capitol, told The Toon Lampoon that he was “absolutely stunned” by the fact that 43 Republicans had voted to acquit the former president of charges of inciting an insurrection that claimed the lives of five people.

“I can’t believe it,” Jameson stated. “I’ve seen a lot in the last few years that’s taken me by surprise: Republicans installing Brett Kavanaugh as a Supreme Court Justice, Republicans installing Amy Coney Barrett as a Supreme Court Justice, Republicans voting to acquit Trump the last time he was impeached, Republicans backing Donald Trump when he claimed that the election was rigged. But this: this really is a tremendous shock.”

Jameson reportedly now plans to take a keen interest in the 2022 House and Senate elections, where he is confident that former Republican voters will show their disapproval of the politicians they had formerly supported following this acquittal vote and help the Democratic Party make greater gains in both chambers.

Featured image: FEM News magazine

Alternate universe where Marianne Williamson is president makes contact with extraterrestrial beings

Our transdimensional politics correspondent reports from pocket universe X-56-B (local year 2023 AD), where Democratic candidate Marianne Williamson beat out Federalist Party candidate Donald Trump in the 2021 Unified States presidential election.

Marianne Williamson, dubbed “Mothership Marianne” by her supporters, has been shaking up the political scene in pocket universe X-56-B for a while now, but in the past week she has lived up to her nickname by being the first world leader to make contact with extraterrestrial life.

Her first act as president was to transform NASA into the North American Metaphysical Manipulation Association (NAMMA). Commentators have suggested Williamson believes space travel is merely the first step in humanity accessing the wider universe, and influential pop culture star and talk show host Q-anon claims they have recordings of the Mothership stating, “Space is the final frontier? It’s, like, the 5th frontier in at least 23 we need to explore”.

The eerie speed at which NAMMA was able to build intergalactic communication has been attributed to Williamson’s open embrace of a second, deeper state nicknamed “the Marianne Trench”. The organisation, officially named The Phenomenal Congress, is responsible for drafting laws of physics, and Williamson’s position of “a new, more open politics” has allowed them to work at incredible speed, introducing new legislation that allows for previously impossible technology.

The new machine, which has no name nor obvious energy source, has allowed Williamson and her crack team of researchers to set up a Zoom call with the representatives of a lunar system in the vicinity of Pleiades. The aliens, who look similar to 9-foot tall Swedish figure skaters and shine impossibly pure light out of their seven navels, appear to have peaceful intentions towards Earth.

Translation has been somewhat difficult, as the aliens seem to make no distinction between verbs and nouns, though Williamson herself has shown an innate grasp of their language. Cross-cultural interaction has been attempted to varying levels of success, though the aliens expressed familiarity with some of Earth’s religious scripts, and seemed to approve of Indonesian gamelan music.

NAMMA is now working on breaching light speed, so as to be able to meet with the aliens for a game of tennis.

President Trump holds press conference next to Toon Lampoon offices

Staff of prestigious satire publication The Toon Lampoon were surprised earlier today by the realisation that President Donald Trump had elected to host a “big press conference” at Four Season’s Landscaping: the property next to their own offices.

“I mean, yeah, it was a huge surprise,” one correspondent told another. “We’d just assumed that there would be no major news today, so we’d knocked off early and more or less descended into a haze of opium and emotionless, unsatisfying sex.”

“I was sandwiched between our political correspondent and the Chief Editor,” another writer reported to his own reflection. “I remember Dr. Spain swaying by the window, a half-drunk bottle of wine clutched in his fist. And then he said – I remember the exact words – he said, ‘Shit fuck. I think that’s the goddamn President out there.'”

The Lampoon offices, which also offer a considerable collection of adult fiction, videos, and barely-used marital aids, have described their relationship with both Four Season’s Landscaping and the 45th president of the United States as “suboptimal”, having spent a large portion of 2020 producing almost-but-not-quite libellous news articles about one while decrying the domestic and foreign policies of the other.

“Honestly, the pair of them being together now feels like poetry,” Dr. Spain admitted to any Lampoon writer not currently face-down in a puddle of their own fluids. “It would have been an amazing opportunity to carry out an interview but, if I can say this off the record, it seemed so convenient that we all agreed that this was probably some undercover ploy to draw us out into a police sting.”

The Lampoon will continue to employ their sterling and unrivalled journalistic talents as America enters the Biden presidency, as soon as they’ve had a good nap and can move more than five steps without vomiting blood.

Trump wins bigly with 117% of the vote

President-for-life Donald Trump has granted The Toon Lampoon exclusive permission, out of all the liberal fake news sites, to report on his second election victory and subsequent eternal reign. We can neither confirm nor deny that this is related to The Lampoon’s known stance as a paid propaganda rag for Boris Johnson.

The corrupt, big government-supporting blue states had their unfairly-stolen electoral college seats redistributed to the guns n’ freedom-loving red states that truly earned them by being real Americans. Our America correspondent reported that this was to prevent the commie Demonrats committing electoral fraud by counting anti-American votes, but we have not been able to verify this as he disappeared mysteriously shortly after someone retweeted a post he made comparing glorious leader Donald I’s hair to a dead cat. We asked one of the Proud Boys guarding the polling stations if he knew where our correspondent had gone, but he just made us sing The Star-Spangled Banner really fast to prove we weren’t illegal immigrants.

With such an enormous margin of victory, it is clear that God-Emperor Trump is beloved by all true Americans and only illegal immigrants or Satanic deep state paedophiles dared to vote against him. With the socialist House of Representatives finally shut down while the eternal ruler finds new conservative politicians to replace the now “deported” Demonrats, Trump will finally be able to get around to his election policies of turning China into a private car park and putting America’s failed communist government programs under the competent business administration of his various family members, freeing up more tax money to be spent on keeping the fallout barrier along the Mexican border as strong as ever.

The last surviving Democrat voter told The Lampoon that it would have been worse if Trump had achieved the 160% majority he was predicted against Sanders

Opinion: Not voting for Trump in 2020 makes me a hero, you socialist fucks

Look, leftists, I think that you and I have to get something straight. You need to start acknowledging how magnanimous and forward-thinking I am for not voting for Donald Trump this November, or we’re going to have some real problems.

I voted for Trump in 2016, and I’m not ashamed of that. If the best that you can offer me is Hillary Clinton, with her emails, and Benghazi, and her cheating rapist of a husband, then don’t be surprised when I start looking for other options. And yes: maybe I would have been happier voting for Ted Cruz, or Marco Rubio, or even John Kasich, but I have been a Republican since I was young enough to vote, so don’t expect me to throw a lifelong loyalty to my party out of the window just because my first choice doesn’t get the nod. I voted red down the whole ballot, and I have no regrets.

It seems like it’s been a long time since that election and, I have to admit, your disappointment at Hillary going down to the Donald really made me believe that I’d accomplished something great. Even now, I look back at footage from that night – of college kids with coloured hair and children with dark skin holding each other, eyes wide with fear – and I can’t deny that it makes me want to vote for Trump all over again. But, like I say, it’s been a long time, and there’s been plenty of events over the past four years that have made me take stock and reconsider.

And I’m not talking about the young children that have been forced to live and die in cages for years now, or about the fact that the wall that I voted for hasn’t been put up along the Mexican border yet. Nor do I mean the revelation by a Senate Intelligence Committee that Russia meddled in our national elections on behalf of President Trump, or the fact that he has had a higher turnover of staff and officials than any other President before him, all of whom have gone on to disparage or write tell-all books about how allegedly “unhinged” he is. This doesn’t have anything to do with him getting impeached for withholding aid to Ukraine in order to gain dirt on Sleepy Joe Biden and his son, or the fact that he and the Senate aren’t acting against Russian interference in this election or attempting to halt the sabotage of the United States Postal Service. I’m not saying this because he told the armed forces to teargas protestors and had a priest removed from a Washington DC church so that he could pose with a Bible, or because he’s not been able to demonstrate the mental awareness that I believe a President needs to possess. This isn’t about the unrest that has broken out under his watch or his pardons for Joe Arpaio and Roger Stone, or all of those photos of him with Jeffrey Epstein (who didn’t kill himself, by the way) and Ghislaine Maxwell (who didn’t kill herself, by the way – EDITOR’S NOTE: DELETE IF NECESSARY).

The reason that I am voting against President Trump in the upcoming election is that he claimed that the coronavirus was a “liberal hoax”. Back then, my wife and I believed that’s exactly what it was. We couldn’t help but laugh at all the dumb sheep, hiding inside and keeping a mask over their faces. “Maybe that’ll stop them from talking so much trash about the greatest country in the world,” my dear Lucy used to say.

I say “used to say” because Lucy sadly died a few weeks ago, having been infected with the coronavirus that our President told us was all a big lie. The coronavirus that he and the First Lady have now contracted, after denying its severity all this time.

There’s only so far that you can push a man, and when someone is responsible for the death of your wife, whose only crime was believing a man she thought was the greatest President that this country had ever had, it becomes impossible for you to give them your vote.

So, I’ll be holding my nose and voting for Joe Biden and his socialist agenda. I don’t expect your thanks, and I frankly don’t want them. The day I accept anything from a Demoncrat is the day I want you to put two in my head and bury me in the backyard. Of course, given that none of you snowflakes own guns, that could take a while, so maybe you could just get Hillary’s people to do it for you.

No: what I want is for you to respect how insightful and great-hearted it is of me to change my mind. Maybe you think it’s easy to change your mind in the face of all the opposition, both foreign and domestic, that President Trump has endured during his first term. I bet that you’ve just been loving every one of these so-called “scandals” and the ever-rising death toll, knowing what it’s doing to those of us who voted according to our hearts and our morality back in 2016.

Well, you can just about start giving me the credit that I deserve for this decision and this sacrifice. You owe me that, along with your gratitude and your respect.

And if you don’t give me that, at the very least, then don’t be surprised if I vote for him again this election.

Trump campaign appeals to pet owners with new dogwhistle for 2020

In the last fortnight a number of dire polls have dented President Trump’s hopes for re-election in November. Reports have, however, reached The Lampoon that staffers on the Trump campaign are putting their hopes in a new Canine Auditory Device that they hope will sway large numbers of Americans back to the Republican side.

Trump campaign advisor A.S. Holl told The Lampoon, “We have got great hopes that Americans will be responsive to this new dogwhistle from the President. We feel that the mood of large parts of the country has made them open to what we are trying to sell them.”

Indeed, during the 2016 election campaign The Lampoon saw evidence of a large-scale acceptance and uptake of all the dogwhistles that then-candidate Trump was selling, especially those that were aimed at female and Mexican dogs.

However, insider voices tell The Lampoon that some concern surrounds the launch due to the mixed reception that met dogwhistles in 2018. This concern, in addition to the changing social environment in the US, has led to President Trump taking charge of crafting all dogwhistles for 2020. Indeed, he has already been spotted testing out key components at rallies to his supporters over the weekend.