Biden family finds White House “riddled” with Home Alone-esque booby traps

The Biden family encountered difficulties while moving into the White House following President Joe Biden’s inauguration on Wednesday. Eyewitnesses reported hearing “screams, whizzes, bangs and small explosions” coming from the residence only minutes after the President’s arrival.

An FBI investigation the following day revealed that hundreds of booby traps had been meticulously inserted throughout the White House by the Trump administration. Nail guns in flowerpots and pits beneath rugs were found in surplus.

“I walked in the door and hot glue sprayed in my eye,” President Biden told The Lampoon, “The place is absolutely riddled. I only just swerved out of the way of the swinging axes in the doorway of the Oval Office.”

President Biden was not the only victim of the traps. First Lady Dr. Jill Biden allegedly had her eyebrows scorched off by a flamethrower hidden inside the White House coffee machine.

“The booby traps were bad enough,” the First Lady added, “But the faecal matter smeared all across the walls? That was a step too far.”

“Needless to say it was a messy affair,” White House janitor Michael Mopinbuckett told our reporter on the scene. “Cleaning the walls took me all day. Then I found out that all thirty-five of the White House’s toilets had been clingfilmed. Fifteen of them were used before I was alerted.”

Reports from the FBI indicate that contraband was also discovered under the floorboards of the Oval Office. Allegedly, President Trump kept a stash of over 27 kilograms of fake tan.

FBI officials on the scene refused to comment beyond a single statement, declaring the stunt the “craziest shit [they’d] ever seen.”

“People think President Donald Trump’s appearance on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was just a small gig!” Donald Trump lookalike and Twitter-user Ronald Tmurp stated the same day on the social media platform. “Wrong! I learned a trick or two from Macaulay Culkin. Sorry, I mean he learned.”

Americans wake up the morning after Biden’s inauguration to find the nation hasn’t miraculously healed overnight

Citizens across the United States have been horrified to wake up the day after President Joe Biden was inaugurated to find that their country looks, well, basically the same.

In his speech on Capitol Hill, Biden addressed the four crises currently facing the US: the COVID-19 pandemic, the resultant economic slump, the climate emergency and the country’s institutional racism. These were themes prevalent in his election campaigning, too

But, 20 hours into his presidency, Americans woke up the next morning to find the country very much the same, except someone new had taken over the @POTUS Twitter account.

“I thought the sun would be shining, the birds would be singing, and both COVID and racism would be gone,” Biden campaigner Hilarie Clinten told The Toon Lampoon. “But it’s still January, the birds have migrated south because of climate change, and COVID and racism are still destroying our nation. This wasn’t what we were promised.”

“Our toilet’s still broken, and the plumber says he doesn’t have an opening ’til next week. Plus, they’ve ran out of strawberry Pop-Tarts at my local Walmart. It’s a shambles.”

Clinten isn’t the only only disappointed by the new administration.

“It sucks,” disgraced former president Donald Trump, dressing gown-clad on his balcony in Mar-a-Lago, shouted to anyone who would listen. “Biden is just letting this country down. The people are so bigly disappointed.”

In his first 24 hours in office, Biden signed a slew of executive orders. The US will be rejoining the WHO, signing onto the Paris Accord, and overturning Trump’s travel ban on majority-Muslim countries. But, as we all know from our experience at The Toon Lampoon creating a charge.org petition to get us recognised as the official Newcastle University student paper, just signing your name doesn’t get you very far.

“We expected massive assault rifles shooting out COVID vaccines, football pitch-sized vacuums sucking all the pollution out of the air, and money falling from the sky,” Clinten explained. “There’s been none of that.”

Biden has also disappointed his new citizens with his underwhelming Twitter presence, too. No exclamation marks have appeared in his tweets so far, and capital letters have only been used where grammatically necessary.

Americans are waiting with bated breath to see whether the new president does bring real change beyond just a subdued social media presence.

Featured image: Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

President Trump holds press conference next to Toon Lampoon offices

Staff of prestigious satire publication The Toon Lampoon were surprised earlier today by the realisation that President Donald Trump had elected to host a “big press conference” at Four Season’s Landscaping: the property next to their own offices.

“I mean, yeah, it was a huge surprise,” one correspondent told another. “We’d just assumed that there would be no major news today, so we’d knocked off early and more or less descended into a haze of opium and emotionless, unsatisfying sex.”

“I was sandwiched between our political correspondent and the Chief Editor,” another writer reported to his own reflection. “I remember Dr. Spain swaying by the window, a half-drunk bottle of wine clutched in his fist. And then he said – I remember the exact words – he said, ‘Shit fuck. I think that’s the goddamn President out there.'”

The Lampoon offices, which also offer a considerable collection of adult fiction, videos, and barely-used marital aids, have described their relationship with both Four Season’s Landscaping and the 45th president of the United States as “suboptimal”, having spent a large portion of 2020 producing almost-but-not-quite libellous news articles about one while decrying the domestic and foreign policies of the other.

“Honestly, the pair of them being together now feels like poetry,” Dr. Spain admitted to any Lampoon writer not currently face-down in a puddle of their own fluids. “It would have been an amazing opportunity to carry out an interview but, if I can say this off the record, it seemed so convenient that we all agreed that this was probably some undercover ploy to draw us out into a police sting.”

The Lampoon will continue to employ their sterling and unrivalled journalistic talents as America enters the Biden presidency, as soon as they’ve had a good nap and can move more than five steps without vomiting blood.

Woman who voted for elderly racist has no idea how right she is that things “back to normal”

A local woman who voted for Joe Biden was more right than she realised when she cheerily told her friends that “things are back to normal”.

In voting for a man with a sexual assault allegation and a history of aiding mass incarceration, opposing busing and supporting war, things really are back on track for the same old America.

The woman made the remark about things being normal before checking for updates on something that is quite colloquially called a “national lockdown”. The lockdown follows the advent of a pandemic that has reached almost every corner of the globe.

The Lampoon trusts that the woman understands these comments are only meant in jest. There are, of course, several normal things to focus on, like environmental collapse or the resurgence of the civil rights movement.

The woman’s friend corroborated her report, telling The Lampoon, “It really is a great time for people in my exact socioeconomic position.”

“STOP THE COUNT!”: Trump vocalises support for the enemies of Dracula

Donald Trump was thanked by the people of Transylvania on Thursday evening after publicly decrying Count Dracula in a Twitter tirade.

At 9.12 AM EST on Thursday, Trump controversially tweeted “STOP THE COUNT!” Whilst initially misconstrued as a comment on the 2020 presidential election, Trump’s tweet was in fact a scathing and long-awaited denouncement of the Count of Transylvania, Dracula.

Trump’s comment arrives after a tough week for the people of Transylvania, with a dozen vampire attacks transpiring in the last seven days. It came as no surprise to the public when Count Dracula himself was photographed participating in these attacks, with the blood-sucking supervillain having garnered a reputation for feeding off his people for the past six centuries.

“He used to be a great guy, one of the best guys,” Trump told our reporter when asked about his tweets. “But I need good press, so we will be supporting a coup of Transylvania in the next few days. Some people are saying it will be the best coup. This might delay the election for a few weeks. Let me tell you, this is the biggest issue we’ve had with bats all year.”

Count Dracula is yet to comment on the situation, but both sides are gearing up for possible conflict.

Satirists dismayed they’re going to have to start trying again

Satire writers across the world are alarmed at Joe Biden’s election victory. With Donald Trump on the way out, they are once again going to have to put some effort into making the world seem insane.

The mood has been decidedly shaky across the world’s best satire outlets, and The Toon Lampoon. One satirist asked our reporter “What are we gonna do now?”

“Trump made things easy. We could report the facts and they’d be too weird not to call satire, but what’s weird about the world after the election?”

“All we have now is a climate meltdown, civil rights movement, global pandemic and staggering wealth inequality.”

“I miss the old days, of war and slightly less staggering wealth inequality. That was a great time to be writing satire.”

Begrudging comedy writers are sobering up to the fact that for the next four years, it might be back to the standards.

“Pretending to be shocked that Biden is racist, and just hoping for an Obama-era scandal. Like a tan suit, or bombing a hospital,” a comedy writer told The Lampoon. “You know, something normal.”