Liz Truss declares war on Ukraine

Following a series of intense negotiations with Russian diplomats, Foreign Secretary Liz Truss officially declared war on Ukraine.

Speaking to The Toon Lampoon’s Meme Correspondent, Liz Truss explained her motivations for what many in the Foreign Office have described as, “Wait, Jesus Christ, what?”

“It has become clear, after a frank exchange of views with my Russian counterpart, that Vladimir Putin is thoroughly in the right on this issue,” Truss stated. “The Ukraine is currently in possession of Ukrainian territory, in open defiance of the wishes of Russia. This is a disgrace.”

“By defending Russian interests, not only will we deepen the ties of friendship between our countries, but we might also not need to give back the £2.3 million that they donated to the Conservative Party.”

The Foreign Secretary’s announcement has been hailed as a triumph by different sectors of the British political scene. The Prime Minister today acknowledged the “sterling work” that Liz Truss had done in distracting everyone from the topic of Christmas parties. Meanwhile, Nadine Dorries, glassy-eyed and tottering, explained how Ukraine had only existed for ten years, to what would later turn out to be a marble bust of Disraeli.

The left-wing Stop The War Coalition also applauded the Foreign Secretary’s actions, with a spokesman describing the move as “a much-needed rebuke to the international terrorist organisation known as NATO” before his mother called him in to finish his GCSE coursework.

Featured image: Flickr

Ants evolve military industrial complex to profit off forever war with other ants

The world’s largest ant megacolony has recently evolved a military industrial complex in order to profit from its forever war against the California/North Mexico and Catalonia supercolonies, our insect war correspondent reports. Since the New Orleans L. humile colony evolved a racial identity in the late 1800s and began absorbing other L. humile colonies in its slow, racially motivated extermination of all other ant species, ant warfare has become increasingly more complex, with various ant species evolving biomineral body armour, extra sharp mandibles, and even tiny little biological assault rifles in their quest for global dominance.

Now, the global megacolony has evolved the weapon that its queen hopes will turn the tide of the war – a war economy. We spoke to Worker #26277251926618, a worker ant in the Paris hive weapons factories, who had this to say: “It’s about bloody time we found a way to make some dosh off this war, it’s been terrible for the global ant economy. Some days, the inflation is so bad my leaves won’t even buy me enough fungus for three meals, and it’s been weeks since I could last afford aphid milk. Anyway, my job’s so easy now that we’ve evolved chattel slavery and I have fire ants to do the heavy work for me.”

The implications of this are currently uncertain, although the newfound dependency of the L. humile economy on producing deadlier and deadlier – yet still adorably tiny – weapons has led the ant biologist we keep locked in our bathroom to theorise that, if the global megacolony ever brings the rebel supercolonies under control, it’ll probably start a crusade against termites or something. We were going to press him for more details, but he was crushed under rubble as thousands of tiny c4 packages went off under our office during a battle between L. humile and Formica sanguinea.

Please help us: now the ants have white phosphorus.