Women in collective sigh of relief after Ian from Slough says ‘not all men’

Women across the country have today been able to breathe easier after Ian, a single 57 year old from Slough, took it upon himself to tell women that not all men are potential threats to their safety/ lives.

We spoke to one woman who wished to remain nameless about the development: ‘I am so delighted Ian has told me that not all men are threats. At night when I traveled home I would have my keys wedged between my fingers ready to gouge at a potential attacker. Now I keep my keys in my bag. I owe it to Ian, my hero’.

Another woman, Kirsty had this to say: ‘Ian has single-handedly ended violence against women. I would give him the Nobel Peace Prize. Absolute gem of a man. He can wolf-whistle me any day, especially as sexual harassment is now gone!’

Ian went on to say in his poorly written Facebook post that ‘back in [his] day, women were far more open to advances from men. Now they don’t want to speak to [him] when [he] starts walking next to them in a dark and secluded area. Make women polite again!!!’ was his finishing remark.

“Stunning win for equality” as female aristocrats may now inherit peerages

In what has been hailed as a landmark moment for feminism and equality in the United Kingdom, Downing Street is reportedly drawing up plans to abolish the convention that only male heirs may inherit aristocratic titles: a practice that has existed for centuries.

Under this proposal, first-born daughters of wealthy, aristocratic families may now take on their father’s baronetcy or hereditary peerages, rather than the younger sons of the same wealthy, aristocratic families.

This incredible stride towards true equality for white, upper-class women will be helmed by a team of female aides in what one Tory peer described as “woke, intellectually bankrupt, progressive flimflam.”

The move will do much to win the Conservative Party support among feminist groups and women in general: areas in which the Party have historically failed to make major strides due to what has been termed the Tories’ “women problem” as well as any of the many recent headlines containing the phrase, “Tory MP accused of rape.”

A spokesperson for the National Alliance of Woman’s Organisations told The Toon Lampoon, “It’s moments like these that really make the job worthwhile. I think that if you told me even one year ago that aristocratic women might one day have almost the same amount of rights as aristocratic men, I’d have just laughed.”

“Honestly, I’ve had my doubts, but this Conservative Government has really been an ally to feminism. From Theresa May having all the political force of a coma patient, Priti Patel playing the race card whenever the mask slips and the unspeakable horror within peeks out, and now this incredible step forward for rich, white women’s rights: it’s just been one ‘yas queen’ moment after another.”

The Toon Lampoon has reached out to several potential female peers for comment but have so far been rebuffed for not being “their type of people.”