Breaking: The Toon Lampoon staff have better things to do than just write satire for you

In a statement screamed at a trembling intern with a notebook, the Toon Lampoon editorial team confirmed the growing rumours that they had lives, loved ones, and hobbies.

“We simply cannot fathom the arrogance and lack of self-reflection of our reader base, who seem to believe we have nothing better to do than create middling satire for their mild amusement,” said Editor Joe Molander, shaking the weeping intern by the jacket lapels.

“We’ve been extremely clean on our publishing schedule, which is ‘when we want, when we say’. If that’s good enough for us, which it damn sure is, then it should be enough for the wheezing incompetents that it’s our fate to call ‘readers’.”

This is not the first time that a light has been shone on the lives of the Toon Lampoon staff outside of satire’s dank cocoon. Writer David Spain has been placed in satirist-mandated rehab following the reveal of his addiction to water on three separate occasions.

Another writer, Jon Deery, has been charged of demanding money with menaces or, as he described it, formally requesting a pay review.

“With all of these many and diverse activities, it is frankly inhumane that our readers can apparently expect a continuous output,” stated Molander, felling the luckless intern with a crane kick.

“Whether it’s our services to the arts, our highly decadent heroin buffets, or our work being used in the deposition of the CEO of MyPillow, we all have a world outside of the windows of this ramshackle sex shop, dusty and glazed with unspeakable humours though they may be.”

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