Newcastle University plans to put barbed wire and searchlights around the student accommodation block in an effort to maintain social distancing. A University representative said it will “protect all of us from the dangers of Leazes students.”
The University is taking notes from a Cornish pub which recently installed an electric fence around its bar to protect staff against their thirsty punters. However, they decided against using a similar device in Leazes after a trial run, when a greatly confused rah tried to plug an electric kettle into it and was “blown half-way into Heaton.”
Plans to ban students from having “a sleepover” on another floor were dropped after being deemed “impractical” after research showed “it would be nigh on impossible to tame the raw sexual energy of Newcastle students, even in the light of COVID-19.” A University representative added “we still can’t have all these inmates, sorry, students, just running around the Toon. We can’t let them spread the ‘rona like they spread chlamydia.”
Other measures include 30ft high watchtowers manned by weather-beaten guards, who claim to have already seen it all (and we mean it all) from a similar one recently found in the Herschel Building. Guard dogs will also be deployed, and an eye testing station “fit for a castle” will also be installed. However, a plan to install landmines in Leazes Park was dropped due to safety concerns, not for the students, but for the cows.
When our reporter approached a Castle Leazes student to ask about their imminent incarceration, all they said was “It won’t affect me, that’s what daddy’s lawyers are for. When was the last time you heard of a rich kid going to prison?”